I've done it....have you?

We all know the story of Job (that's right, I'm going biblical). A wealthy man that had everything stripped from him for what would seemingly be Satan's amusement. And what's worse? God let it happen. Right? Yet, job never cursed him. He never lost faith. He was steadfast and firm. Not me. Within the first chapter, Job was stripped of his animals, servants, and children. Kill my dog? Sure, I'd be sad, but I wouldn't curse god. Take my home? I'd find a place and be okay. Kill my servants? Well, I don't have any. So..... Take my children? Yep. I'm out. I'm done. I lost the battle. In 2008 when I lost my first, I blamed two factors. My body and my god. Why would he do that to me? Why would he take my baby right before my husband goes to war? What did I do? Who did I wrong? Did I deserve this? There are rapists and child molesters that have kids, but I can't? Not just can't. Not "oh, you cant conceive". More like "here is the one thing you want..... haha just kidding".
Okay, stick with me, because this really DOES go somewhere.
Finally, I accepted it. The biggest reason I wanted a baby RIGHT THEN was because I wanted a part of my husband in case he didn't come home. Eventually, I realized maybe it was a sign that I didn't need a part of him because I would have HIM. It may be a wait, but I took it as a sign he would come home. Guess what? He did. We waited a few years and the entire time I wondered if it was really possible. Finally, we tried again. 5 months in, I lost another. I remember crying on the bathroom floor begging for an answer. Why me? What did I do? My husband doesn't deserve this! How could you abandon me? Eventually, I came around and knew god never left me. That same month, I got a surprise. He hadn't abandoned me. He just asked that I wait and have faith. Although I was still a nervous wreck about another loss, there was a calm. When I would stress out the most, it just happened. An eerie calm. Deep down, I knew this one would make it.
People often ask why God let Job go through that. Why did he sit by and watch his pain? Why did he allow, if not encourage, it to happen? I've always wondered this myself. Why? Better yet, why did Job accept it? Tonight, Job was part of my bible study. While I sat there reading, it hit me. God wasn't torturing Job, or me. He doesn't do that. All he asks is that you wait and have a little faith. For me, I wouldn't be able to offer my daughter the life she has and deserves if our first baby was born. I wouldn't have my daughter if our second was born (I would have been pregnant at the time of her conception instead). Do I still miss them? Every day. However, things turned out amazingly well. I don't know what I'd do with anyone that wasn't her. We just had to wait for the perfect moment. The perfect genetic combination. Have I cursed god and left his side? Yes. Have I seen that I'm not always right? Yes. I wouldn't change her for the world. Would I curse him again? If he takes my daughter, most likely, but I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a work in progress.