A year of crazy!

WOW! It has been a year since my last update! As much as I love this blog and what it will one day be, life happens and there are priorities. For us, the first one is family. Family has needed us a lot this year. Some of it was great, some of it was awful, but all of it was filled with love.

My family has lost more in the last year than we have gained, but we have kept true to ourselves, our faith, and our focus. We have changed directions multiple times, but one thing has and always will remain constant: focusing on the good. Well, we try. We get knocked down often, but we maintain faith that everything happens for a reason and that God will lead us through. So far, the worst of what we could imagine has not broken us and has not been a worthless loss. In some way, some good has come from all of it. I realize that sounds insane when faced with loss, but it is true.

In August, we lost my nephew. It made me realize a lot of things, as it did for many people. First and foremost, you never know when it will be your last chance to say how you feel. There are many people that will never fully recover from the loss they feel since he left. However, he has helped many others. His story, his life, and his impact have saved lives. One life I know of for sure, but I am sure there were many others. For the family of that one person, their lives also changed forever the day my nephew died. They were able to keep their family member because of the impact my nephew had on them. I'm not saying that one life will ever fill the hole felt by many without my nephew, but at least there is one less family that feels that void.

In December, we lost another child. The worst part is that we were notified on December 20th that my HCG was dropping (losing the baby). If you don't remember, that is the same day that I lost our first. Seven years later I was reliving all of the same horrible things. Almost to the exact minute. I'm not sure just yet what the silver lining is of that one, but I know it is there. I may still be close to the situation to realize what the good is that came from it. The same thing happened with my first. We lost the baby shortly before my husband deployed. Looking back, I know it wasn't the right time/place/situation for a child. We were broke and living in a tiny one bedroom apartment. If we had that baby, our lives wouldn't be what they are and we wouldn't be able to provide our daughter with the life we do. I understand money isn't everything, but I also wasn't in a good place. After my husband left, I could barely take care of myself. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't do anything a human should do. I had other people helping me survive. There is no way I was in the right state of mind to provide the things a child needed. That child made me strong. They made me a survivor. Don't get me wrong, I would still rather have my child and struggle every single day, but I do know that some good came from it. With our second loss, I didn't understand for many months. Five months after the loss, I became pregnant with baby #3. Baby #3 is perfect and healthy. Had I been pregnant with baby #2, baby #3 wouldn't exist. I honestly can't picture my life with any child that isn't her. She's the good that came from that. So, I'm not sure what good there is to be found with losing another child, but I'm sure it is there and one day months or years from now, I will find it.

In December we also lost my step grandpa. I know from watching life dwindle that when it is someone's time, it is better to let them go than to prolong the inevitable. It was his time and he didn't want to suffer any longer. It was hard for a lot of people, but celebrating the life of someone that no longer suffers is an amazing thing. It is cathartic and relieving.

Grandpa B. during his days in the military

In February, we lost my paternal grandfather. It is definitely hard to see the good in that one. Two people that are pillars of who I am are gone and will not see my daughter grow. They will not be pillars in her life. I always knew it would come, I just hoped against hope he would somehow be the one that lived forever as the fun loving man I had growing up. I know it is great that he is finally back with his one true love. I am truly happy for that. Sometimes, it is just hard to remember that one. I still can't listen to amazing grace or bagpipes, but I'm sure I will get there one day. Until then, I carry a piece of his heart on my arm and it will be there for my daughter as she grows up.

My grandfather and his one true love, my grandmother

In April, my husband lost his job. As the sole provider, this was a huge blow. How would we pay bills? On top of that, we now had no vehicle. Thanks to a few awesome people, we made it through. Luckily, this came as we completed a financial class at our church. Our savings account was well cared for. We had enough money to make it through. We had saved for the important things already like school. We wouldn't be able to live forever like that, though. Things have been rough since then, but SO much good has come from this. There are many times God has watched over us without us even knowing what was going on. Right in front of our eyes, things happened that we didn't pay attention to. My sister-ish and brother in law let us use their spare car until we figured things out. A family member gave us a car shortly after and my husband had a job. The car broke down and another family member gave us a car. Someone (we have an idea who) anonymously left us $100 to help out. We were able to buy food for some time. As we worried about where we would live, if we would be moving back to my home town, and what the next week held, everything was falling into place. We are still far off from the life we were living, but we will get there. For now, there are many things to be thankful for. We have amazing family. It happened right before we were making a move that would increase our living expenses drastically. I learned to what extent my husband would go to make sure we can do the things we want for our child (not that I ever doubted him, it's just amazing to see in action). All in all, we came out of that one fairly unscathed.

My sisters and I showing off our finds after a day of foraging

On top of all of that, there is the normal life. Except we don't have a normal life. In fact, as I write this I sit in bed at 1 a.m. because it is the only time I have. Our life is far from average, but definitely busy. So, you see, it's been a year of good and bad. Sure, I've had time to sit down and write in that year, but I used that time to focus on family. I used that time to focus on the daughter that could be gone in an instant. I used that time to help my sister regain her freedom. I used that time to hold onto runt a little tighter and thanking God for her life. I used that time to embody my grandparents and carry on their legacy through action. I used that time to focus on teaching my daughter. I used that time to remind myself of all the grace in the chaos. I spent that time in love and happiness. So, I may not write as often as I would like, but know that my time is being well spent on amazing people. Rest assured I am using my time to help her grow.