They always told me this would happen....

People always told me "time flies" once you have a kid. I always thought time flew by anyways, but geez.... they weren't kidding! My little runt will be six months old in a few days. SIX MONTHS! It seems like last week! Then again, it seems like a lifetime ago! I look back and it seems my life without her was empty. It wasn't good enough to remember. I DO remember it, but it feels so long ago. It feels like she has always been in my heart. Then again, it feels like yesterday she was the little giant that could barely hold up her big bobblehead. Now that she is here, it all seems like a dream. Its too good to be true. She is too perfect. There is NO way she could be part of me....could she? She looks like me, she acts like me, she has my curiosity, but she is too perfect to be mine. Now, she is the size of the average one year old in my family and smarter than I could have imagined. Crawling, sitting, talking, signing....although, the laugh eludes us. I'm pretty sure she gets that from me, too. She CAN laugh. She HAS laughed. I mean, full on cracking up, but I'm pretty sure that since she knows we want it she refuses it. Just like momma.
Anyways, to the point. As her half-birthday approaches (damn....that makes me sad), I contemplate a lot of things. Not just about her, but myself. Before I found out I was pregnant, my whole life sucked. Really, it was just as amazing, but I couldn't find joy in anything. I hated my job. I wasn't happy with myself. I wasn't happy with my situation. I cried endlessly over my losses. It was just.... miserable. Now? Now I find joy in the dumbest things. She makes me SO happy, that even when I'm not with her I am happy. I love my job again. I love my life again. She has changed my entire world view. Sure, I still get angry or sad. Although, it doesn't last more than three hours and I don't go more than an hour without being genuinely happy.
I also contemplate my body. I gained a few stretch marks and a few pounds (25 to be exact). Six months later (aside from my scar), the only evidence of her that remains are the stretch marks. I'm okay with that. I weigh 8 pounds less than I did before pregnancy and I still look good in my skinny jeans. The stretch marks? I love them. I see myself in the mirror and am reminded that once upon a time, our two hearts were in one body. They were close together and beating for each other. Mine beat for her and hers beat so mine didn't break. They are proof and reminders of what I went through before her and what I went through to earn them. Some may see them as unsightly, but for me? They are trophies I carry with me every single day. She gave me them as proof she is real. I see it on my skin. I see it in the mirror. I know they are there when I'm miles away from her. She is real. And she came from me.
I often consider things I want her to know, things I want to do with her, things I want her to see. So, for her first birthday I'm making a "just do it" jar. Lots of games, activities, recipes, and fun. All in little slips of paper so she can pick one at the beginning of each week. Then, I make the necessary arrangements and we have a "just do it" day. This way, she can learn all of the skills I want her to know that normally get pushed aside. You know... sewing, crochet, drawing, cooking.... all of it. Then, every year I get to refill the jar and we have a whole new list of fun! I want her to have all of the opportunities I had. My parents always taught me new things, took me to cool fascinating new places, and gave me an awesome childhood. In general, sitting around wasn't an option. Sure, it happened, but I don't remember it. I remember getting lost in Chicago. I remember mixing weird concoctions with my cousin. I remember the fun museums. I remember the aquarium field trip. I remember my mom picking me up from daycare for lunch in her work cafeteria. I remember living life. Those are the memories I want for chunk. Those are the things no child forgets. I hate that she is growing so incredibly fast, but knowing so much fun awaits us makes the blow a little softer. And if she keeps my curiosity, I will never have a dull moment either! Between taking apart radios, digging up things in the back yard, getting countless scars from adventures, I'm sure I kept my parents on their toes. However, I learned a lot and had a great childhood. So, I welcome all of the skinned knees and weird collections!