My pregnancy rant....

Lately, the hormones must be going crazy because I feel like I am going crazy! There is a ton on my mind (I do have a child to plan for after all) and every little thing seems to be stressing me out. Some things more than others, and some things that make me just want to scream at people.

I am 23 and pregnant. I am NOT some girl that doesn't know the father, had an accident, or was just stupid. I'm not saying these children are loved any less, don't get me wrong. I am, however, saying that I am not like everyone else so people need to stop looking at me like I'm some knocked up teenage girl that should have used protection. My husband and I had specific goals set in place before we even decided trying. We never had the "if it happens it happens" attitude because we wanted to make sure we had completed these goals. I have been married for 4 years and I believe we know each other very well for that amount of time. We are passed the honeymoon phase and we had plenty of time to just be US. We have done our work to get to where we are. We got married, we got the house, we got the cars we wanted, we learned more and more about each other and how to handle certain situations, we learned (somewhat) how to handle our finances and we met our savings goal. All before we started trying for a child. I am not one of those that had an accident and has to suffer the rest of my life because I have to sacrifice nights out. I sacrificed those a LONG time ago. They never really appealed to me and I feel my time can be better used at home. I'm not saying I never go out, but I'm not giving anything up either. People keep looking at me with pity in their eyes as though my life is over. It is just beginning! I have wanted this for years, and I have worked my butt off to make sure we brought this child into the best situation we could. I just can't stand how people look at me when they find out I am pregnant. The "I'm so sorry your life will never be the same" look. I know my life will never be the same. That was the plan all along.

ITS THINGS LIKE THIS THAT INFLUENCE THOSE 'PITY LOOKS'

Again, I'm not saying my child is loved any more than others or that I am a better person than others because I was careful. I am simply saying people need to wipe that stupid look off their faces and understand that not every young mother is a statistic. Some young mothers out there actually wanted to be young mothers. You have no idea what their life plan is, so stop assuming you do. Don't assume that just because she is young, pregnant, and married, that she got married simply because of the pregnancy. Don't assume that she doesn't want this child. Don't assume she doesn't know the father. Don't assume it was some drunken night out. Don't sit there and look at any young mother like you are better than her. Sure, her pregnancy may have been an accident, but as long as she is a good mother, why does it concern you how young she is?
People need to stop judging young mothers like they are all some sad story. Yes, Teen Mom does a fantastic job of showing all of the drama that COULD come along with being young and pregnant, but there is a reason they only choose 4 girls to be on each series.....those are the 4 with the highest public ratings. Those, however, are not the 4 that accurately represent the entire population of young moms.

Holy Hormonal....

So, I have made it this far in my pregnancy (23.5 weeks) pretty much unscathed. I had some MAJOR issues with heartburn, which led to throwing up stomach acid, which led to an upper respiratory infection. Other than that, I have had no issues. I have no food turn offs, minor cravings, and very little aches. I also had not experienced the mood swings everyone talks about....until last night.

Last night at around midnight, my husband and I were about to head to bed when I decided I NEEDED a brownie. I didn't just want this brownie, I NEEDED it. I asked him to make me some, but he said no. He explained that it was WAY too late to be making brownies and he needed to get to bed. This was very logical....to him. I had just gotten off of work and was tired, but he said I could feel free to make them. I told him I just got off work and I didn't want to. Why should I when he had been sitting around for hours? He explained he had worked earlier, so my job wasn't an excuse. I told him he was right, but he didn't have to carry this child around while working all day. I did and therefore, he should make me brownies. Crazy right? Oh...it only gets better.

While in this lighthearted back and forth with my dear husband, I suddenly became very upset that he didn't understand what I was going through and how badly I needed this brownie. I began crying because he just didn't get it and it seemed like he never would. As I sat there and cried about this brownie that would never be mine, I couldn't stop laughing as well. Why? Logically, I knew how stupid it was to cry over a brownie. I knew I was acting like a child and I knew that I should stop. Emotionally, I felt like my world was going to end because my brownie would never be mine. I knew I needed to stop acting so foolish, but I could not stop it!

So, I sat there on the couch crying because I was sad, and laughing at the exact same time because of how I looked. MY POOR POOR HUSBAND! He even offered to run to the gas station to get me a brownie! I cried even more because I didn't want a brownie with frosting!

Oh, the joys of being pregnant! Even now, 24 hours later and clear minded, I have no idea why I was crying. I laugh about it, but geeze....what was going on with me?

After I thought it was all over with and I was back to "normal", I was playing with my dog and started crying.  I love this dog more than any dog I have ever owned, and he is one of the most gentle giants I have ever been around. He is and always will be my baby. He was my first "kid". He is part black lab and part great dane. Which, in case you didn't know, means he is HUGE.

Atreyu loves to listen to the baby and always lays with his ear on my stomach :)

Anyways, as I played with my darling puppy, I started crying. All I could think was that one day my dog would no longer be around. I couldn't stop crying because one day (probably a while from now) my 2 year old dog would die. I AM GOING CRAZY!!!! Now, I feel like I am losing my mind! I see the smallest thing and I cry for no reason! I saw the end of one of those "save the abused animals" commercials, and it made me cry! Not only, did I cry, but I tried to convince my coworkers that we needed to adopt 5 kittens/dogs each.

I have no idea how to explain these feelings, all I know is that I have NEVER been so confused in my life! I have never sat there and laughed WHILE I cried because I was sad. This defies all science. Men will never understand it. You ARE in fact going crazy, but it isn't your fault. Unless, you aren't pregnant. In that case, see your doctor.

Registering for the little one

Everyone says registering for the baby is supposed to be this awesome fun time that every parent loves. Who decided that? Not only did I just want it over with, but it stressed me out beyond belief. Just thinking about the registry drove me absolutely crazy and would keep me up at night. I was so stressed that when I would go online to look at what all we needed, I would start crying. I'm still not sure why this happened. My husband and I are by no means rich, but we have been saving for quite some time and we can afford the necessities for our little girl. I wasn't worried about registering for every single little thing because I could always send someone to pick up the item or go grab it myself. So, why the stress? I think a lot of it was being overwhelmed by so many options. What type of crib do you need? What kind of play pen? What kind of bottles? What kind of clothes? Keep in mind, this is my first child and I will surely learn some lessons the hard way, but I have been there when my mother raised my last two siblings and she made sure I learned A TON.

First things first, pick what you like. For the bigger items do some research and register what you feel comfortable with. Target and Babies 'R' Us both offer reviews of the products they offer online along with little facts that are not mentioned in store. How much weight can your play pen hold? What makes this bottle different from that bottle? How easy is this stroller to fold?

Second, I recommend registering in store. A lot of people are going to get last minute gifts, not want to pay S&H, or not even know how to shop on the store website (shocking...I know). Plus, in store you get a better idea of what the product is really like. In Babies 'R' Us, you are encouraged to take the car seats off of the shelf and play with them, fold up the strollers, see what is easiest for you, and they will make sure you are entirely comfortable with the way it works. This was SUPER helpful since I went in with two travel systems in mind. My top pick was actually really difficult to fold up and unlatch the car seat from the base. The second one? AMAZING. It wasn't too heavy, it folded with the pull of one handle, and was really easy to unlatch from the base. I am so happy I messed around with them! I would have been struggling and fighting with a car seat and stroller for months just because it was cute.

Third, register for what you WANT not just what you NEED. Sure, its helpful when people get you what you need, but people are going to buy all of the cutesy stuff too. If you don't register for any, they will pick what they want and you may not like what you get.

Picking some things makes other things easier as well. Breastfeeding? Find a pump you like and most of the time the manufacturer also makes bottles and milk storage that fit best with that pump. Bam. Two birds, one stone.

I'm not going to give you a huge list of what you should register for. Simply walking through the store will take care of that. I did tons and tons of research on what to register for, but found that as soon as I walked into the store it was all right there. It was organized and right in front of me. I just had to walk down the aisle and by the time I walked out (without looking at my huge checklist) I had everything I needed, plus things my research hadn't shown me. These are just a few items I found at the store that I overlooked in all of the research.

• Orajel
• Grooming Kit
• Baby Wash
• Baby Lotion
• Towels
• Wash cloths
• Burp rags
• Receiving blankets
• Hats
• Bibs
• Diaper Genie (if someone else is buying it, why not?)
• Diaper bag
• DIAPERS a few newborn and a lot of size 1
• Wipes
• Breast pump
• Bottles
• Milk storage
• Supplies to make baby food (baby bullet, steamer, etc. Again, if someone else is buying it, having a baby bullet couldn't hurt)
• Nursing cover
• Lansinoh Soothies gel pads
• Bottle Nipples (one or two packs of different kinds and sizes...you don't know what your little one will like)
• Pacifiers
• Waterproof crib mattress covers

Honestly, I didn't register for many clothes. The biggest reason being I know people will buy tons of these anyways. Another reason is that my grandma works at a children's clothing store and has a discount. Which, she uses frequently for her great-grandchildren. Yet another, once my husband found out he was having a little "daddy's girl" I have had a very difficult time keeping him away from the clothes. 

Our crazy family AND baby #5!

My mother had me when she was very young. Despite the odds against her, she went on to college and got an amazing job. Shortly after I was born, her and my father got married. They didn't have much. Well, they didn't have anything really, but they gave up everything they wanted to get me what I needed. A little over a year after they got married, we brought my new little sister home. Our childhoods were great. We had devoted parents that sacrificed so much to give us everything. We were raised with morals and values, but still spoiled like crazy. Neither of us were planned, but my parents didn't care. They did what was needed to be sure we were okay. When I was 15, they sat my sister and I down and said they needed to speak with us. I jokingly thought they would tell us she was pregnant.

LITTLE SISTER #2!

In August we welcomed little Abbie into our home and I spoiled her like crazy!

In 2008, before I met my husband, my mom sent my friend and I 20 minutes away to pick up McDonald's at midnight. I joked that she was pregnant again....two days later she found out.

LITTLE SISTER #3!

September of 2008, Rebekah was born. She was actually too young to be a part of my wedding! She was not even 3 months old when I got married to the man of my dreams. 

My mom has been my rock with Keeley. Every time the smallest issue happened, I would call her right away and ask what I should do. So, I naturally told her about my appointments as well. I got done with one appointment and dropped Rebekah off at home. We were visiting for a while when Rebekah said "mommy took a test today!"

BABY #5!

My daughter is due July 10. My new younger sibling is due October 6! I don't think our family dynamic could become any stranger. My daughter will have an aunt/uncle that is actually 3 months younger and a school grade below her. I will have a sibling that is 24 years younger. My husband will have a new in-law at almost 30! I thought Rebekah was strange enough!

My parents are 41, I am 23, Sam is 19, Abbie is 8, Rebekah is 4 and a new one on the way!

Introducing our little girl

My pregnancy story doesn't start at conception, but much much sooner than that. 

In 2008, I met the man that would be my husband. Later that year, we were married and found out we were expecting our first bundle of joy. He was due to deploy January 16, 2009 and I really wanted a child of his just in case he didn't make it home to me. Sadly, December 20, 2008, we lost this child for unknown reasons. It was devastating. Not only did I lose my child, but four weeks later my husband left as well. Looking back, it was for the best. I had a difficult time taking care of myself and hardly had any motivation to even get off of the couch. The child would not have gotten everything they deserve because I was unable to deliver at that time. I was young and stupidly thought it would have been easy. No matter how many days go by, I still grieve for this child. My husband and I quickly decided that we needed to wait for the next child. We set numerous goals for ourselves (having a HOUSE, being financially stable, giving up things that wouldn't fit into parenthood, getting to know each other, and of course, LIVING our lives). One by one, we accomplished our goals.

Four years later, with our house and finances in order, we decided it was time. I figured it wouldn't happen within the first month, but I didn't expect it to take as long as it did. In May 2012, I lost another child. This one was easier to cope with, but still a devastating blow. I didn't know if I could carry a child at all. Although it had only been a couple of months, my husband and I started talking about alternatives. Adoption was our first choice. We didn't make any moves yet, but it was a serious consideration. Month after month went by and each one was harder than the last. I had a difficult time even considering a child anymore. We continued to try, and then it happened...

In late October I was out with my best friend and told her I was late, but didn't want to take a pregnancy test. Why would I? It had felt like an eternity of trying (which 10 months really isn't). How could I be pregnant? However, the longer I went without knowing, the more and more I hoped it was true. No matter how many times I told myself it wasn't the case, my mind refused to work with me. My friend told me to just suck it up and take a test. Sure, it might come up negative, but it was better to know now and stop torturing myself, right? I was gonna find out eventually, so why delay the inevitable? That day, I took a test and there it was....

NOT PREGNANT

It was what I expected. I handled it rather well and just decided to move on. I mean, it was better to know and stop hoping. A week later (3 weeks total), I was still late. I had decided to take another test before calling my doctor. If it came up negative, it was an issue that needed to be addressed. So, I peed on the stupid little stick and played a game on my phone while waiting. I glanced at the stick when the time came and there it was again....

NOT PREGNANT

Okay. Fine. I once again expected that. I went back to my game and brushed it off. No big, right? Wait....that can't be right. There are two lines there. No....really? YEP! I was so ready for another negative that I didn't see the line. 

PREGNANT!!!

Holy cow! It happened! Wait....don't get excited. I was so worried about another miscarriage that I did my best not to get excited. I tried to keep myself at a distance from it all. My husband did the same. We just weren't willing to put ourselves into a position where it would surprise us if it happened again. Yes, it would still be a difficult pill to swallow, but it would be easier if I didn't care, right? We ended up in the ER on two occasions, and both times they told us everything was fine and we could go. Turns out, sometimes sex with your partner can cause bleeding. Wish I would have known that because it would have saved me a TON of grief. 

My doctor told me the chances of another loss were high, but it didn't mean anything for sure. He kept a close eye on me. Week by week, it became more difficult not to have hope that this one would make it. On December 31, 2012, I went in for another check-up and got some news. My doctor told me that where I was now in the pregnancy was a huge turning point. From this point on, we had the same odds as any normal pregnancy. BEST NEWS EVER! 

Now, we know its a little girl. Keeley (beautiful) Michelle (gift from god) is expected in June. Just one problem. We waited so long to do anything 'baby' that now it feels like nothing is done! Her room was once my art studio. Although most of it is cleaned out, there is so much to get ready before she shows up. Thankfully, I have an amazing support system with a husband that would do ANYTHING for his baby girl and I. Literally. ANYTHING. He drove to the store he runs at midnight because I NEEDED biscuits and gravy....and chocolate milk.