In 2008, I met the man that would be my husband. Later that year, we were married and found out we were expecting our first bundle of joy. He was due to deploy January 16, 2009 and I really wanted a child of his just in case he didn't make it home to me. Sadly, December 20, 2008, we lost this child for unknown reasons. It was devastating. Not only did I lose my child, but four weeks later my husband left as well. Looking back, it was for the best. I had a difficult time taking care of myself and hardly had any motivation to even get off of the couch. The child would not have gotten everything they deserve because I was unable to deliver at that time. I was young and stupidly thought it would have been easy. No matter how many days go by, I still grieve for this child. My husband and I quickly decided that we needed to wait for the next child. We set numerous goals for ourselves (having a HOUSE, being financially stable, giving up things that wouldn't fit into parenthood, getting to know each other, and of course, LIVING our lives). One by one, we accomplished our goals.
Four years later, with our house and finances in order, we decided it was time. I figured it wouldn't happen within the first month, but I didn't expect it to take as long as it did. In May 2012, I lost another child. This one was easier to cope with, but still a devastating blow. I didn't know if I could carry a child at all. Although it had only been a couple of months, my husband and I started talking about alternatives. Adoption was our first choice. We didn't make any moves yet, but it was a serious consideration. Month after month went by and each one was harder than the last. I had a difficult time even considering a child anymore. We continued to try, and then it happened...
In late October I was out with my best friend and told her I was late, but didn't want to take a pregnancy test. Why would I? It had felt like an eternity of trying (which 10 months really isn't). How could I be pregnant? However, the longer I went without knowing, the more and more I hoped it was true. No matter how many times I told myself it wasn't the case, my mind refused to work with me. My friend told me to just suck it up and take a test. Sure, it might come up negative, but it was better to know now and stop torturing myself, right? I was gonna find out eventually, so why delay the inevitable? That day, I took a test and there it was....
NOT PREGNANT
It was what I expected. I handled it rather well and just decided to move on. I mean, it was better to know and stop hoping. A week later (3 weeks total), I was still late. I had decided to take another test before calling my doctor. If it came up negative, it was an issue that needed to be addressed. So, I peed on the stupid little stick and played a game on my phone while waiting. I glanced at the stick when the time came and there it was again....
NOT PREGNANT
Okay. Fine. I once again expected that. I went back to my game and brushed it off. No big, right? Wait....that can't be right. There are two lines there. No....really? YEP! I was so ready for another negative that I didn't see the line.
PREGNANT!!!
Holy cow! It happened! Wait....don't get excited. I was so worried about another miscarriage that I did my best not to get excited. I tried to keep myself at a distance from it all. My husband did the same. We just weren't willing to put ourselves into a position where it would surprise us if it happened again. Yes, it would still be a difficult pill to swallow, but it would be easier if I didn't care, right? We ended up in the ER on two occasions, and both times they told us everything was fine and we could go. Turns out, sometimes sex with your partner can cause bleeding. Wish I would have known that because it would have saved me a TON of grief.
My doctor told me the chances of another loss were high, but it didn't mean anything for sure. He kept a close eye on me. Week by week, it became more difficult not to have hope that this one would make it. On December 31, 2012, I went in for another check-up and got some news. My doctor told me that where I was now in the pregnancy was a huge turning point. From this point on, we had the same odds as any normal pregnancy. BEST NEWS EVER!
Now, we know its a little girl. Keeley (beautiful) Michelle (gift from god) is expected in June. Just one problem. We waited so long to do anything 'baby' that now it feels like nothing is done! Her room was once my art studio. Although most of it is cleaned out, there is so much to get ready before she shows up. Thankfully, I have an amazing support system with a husband that would do ANYTHING for his baby girl and I. Literally. ANYTHING. He drove to the store he runs at midnight because I NEEDED biscuits and gravy....and chocolate milk.
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