A few notes for Keeley

I have had a little trouble keeping up on the crafting aspect of the blog due to my rambunctious little runt running around. From here on out,  will be focusing on the super fun ones and (of course) spending my days with my runt. Things have been pretty crazy lately. First, came the big move and unpacking. Then, right as we got used to everything, I became ill. Now, the holidays are upon us and we are running around enjoying the season as a family. Many things changed when I became a SAHM, the more time consuming thing being family time. Although, I'm thankful for it, we seem to run around like crazy finding activities and new things to explore. The little one sure enjoys it! 

Honestly, I love staying home and getting to see her grow. She has learned so much in the few short months since I quit my job. She is a HUGE help when it comes time to do chores. Her favorite is unloading the dishwasher and wiping down the table. She has a blast and then runs to her chore chart to add her stickers. She is also very helpful during lunch and dinner time. She LOVES to cook. She loves to help with anything she can. Even if it just means she holds mommy's hand while mommy does the work. She thinks she is conquering the world. So, I will let her have that. I enjoy seeing the pride spread across her face when she accomplishes something and sees the hard work she has done pay off. 

She has grown into such a wonderful little girl. I look at her and wonder where my baby went. It seems like the "infant" stage never happened and at the same time was only a month ago. I look at her and see a mini adult. She is so mature and yet so fragile. She still needs my help putting shoes on and also refuses to admit that she needs help. She can do it all on her own. At least, she thinks she can. She is very independent, loving, and kind. When I was sick, she made sure she took breaks from playing to rub my back, give me a kiss, give me a hug, and tell me she loves me before running off to play again. She continues to amaze me. I couldn't imagine having a child more perfectly suited for me. She is everything I hoped for an more. All I could ask of her is that she STOP GROWING SO QUICKLY! 

Pony bead suncatchers

This one was relatively simple, but time consuming. Not much work involved, but a lot of waiting.
What you need:
Translucent pony beads
Metal pan (cupcake pans work best for little ones and their short attention spans)

Preheat your oven to 350. You WILL need to leave your house while they cook and then let it air out. Unless you open every window and have quite a few extra fans going, I would strongly advise against staying inside. I thought nothing of it, but went in to grab some clothes for fish and after about 5 minutes came outside lightheaded and nauseous. Or, you could do the cooking on a GAS grill. Charcoal results in some ash getting in the suncatchers. Which may show on a few of my pictures as this was our first try. Charcoal also heated unevenly which doesn't work well for this.
Enough of my tips.... Take your pan and place the beads in a single layer as close as possible to eachother. I set all of mine with the holes up, but placing them on their sides results in different shapes. Bake the beads until melted. Once totally liquefied, pull out and set somewhere to cool. Once cooled, they easily popped out. They left a slight mark where the tops were, but I checked it with my fingernail and it removed easily. Next, drill a hole in the suncatchers and hang them with kite string. I haven't completed this step yet. I have a bunch of small ones, but want to make one large one to hang them off of. However, I have to wait for a day when I can take runt outside for a few hours. Once it is completed we will hang it in the window in her room. It could also be used as windchimes. However, I hate windchimes. So, in her room they will stay :)

Fun and rainbows for the runt :)

This week, it was rainbow crayons! This craft was super easy. Although runt only had an interest in the final product, it was still enjoyable for me.
Things you need:
Old crayons (or if you're like me and have no old broken crayons,  dollar store crayons work fine)
A silicone chocolate mold or mini muffin tin

First, unwrap all of the crayons. This is tedious. Preheat oven to 200 (it takes a little longer for crayons to melt, but you are less likely to end up with clear wax on top). Break the crayons into quarter inch pieces and place them in a container to mix them together.
After your oven is ready, place crayon pieces all the way to the top of the mold. I used a silicone chocolate mold because it was decorative and oven safe. You can also stack them a little higher, just be sure that they don't hang out of the actual mold or the wax will not end up in the final product.
Place the mold in the oven for roughly 10 minutes. Be sure to watch the crayons. You need to pull them out as soon as they are melted. They will go from "mostly melted" to "so melted they're separating" in a matter of seconds. This does not harm the final product, it just makes them less attractive.
Once they are fully melted, remove them and place them on the counter to cool. I placed mine in the fridge to speed up the process. After fully cooling, remove and let your little one enjoy!

Family time! Craft #2

This week we did craft #2. She drew her activity and we got colored rice. Surpisingly, this one was super simple and she loved playing with the bags of rice (which helped mommy a lot).
What you need:
A bag of rice
Vinegar
Food colors (preferably liquid, I used neon)
Slide lock baggies (the size you need depends on how much rice of one color you will be making)

1. Seperate the rice into your designated colors. I just scooped it into baggies until I was happy with the number of colors we would end up with (we got 7 good ones and one weird one). This also gave us a chance to play with colors and mix them to create new ones.
2. Start with one baggie of rice. For every cup of rice you will need 1 tablespoon of vinegar. I did 1 cup per bag so the math was simple.
3. Add your food coloring to the vinegar. The vinegar may look really dark, but it lightens up when you mix it with the rice. We averaged 6-10 drops per tablespoon.
4. Add the mixture to the baggie, seal, and let baby squish it around!
5. Lay the rice out to dry. I made foil "pans" and laid them in that overnight.

My runt had a blast with this. She got to smash and squish until she was happy. The final result was some awesome vibrant colors. Later, we will use the rice for a few different activities. They are in her jar and I hope she draws them soon. I really don't want to store it for another year!

Potty training!

So, we aren't going full on with potty training just yet. I mean, my kid turned one not even a week ago. However, we got her a potty chair for a birthday gift figuring we would use it in the next few months (and it was free thanks to fisher price). Two days after her birthday I pulled it out and assembled it. I figured "let's see what happens". Couldn't hurt. At the very least, it would get her used to the chair. So I sat her on her seat next to the big toilet. I sat next to her and waited. Not even two minutes later her chair started singing. It only sings when it senses the child has gone to the bathroom. I thought it was malfunctioning. I mean, no way this kid went the the bathroom. It wasn't! She had gone! I figured it was a fluke and the next time would be torture. It wasn't!  I'm not sure how, but she goes to the bathroom every single time within a few seconds of sitting down. It sings (which is great because she LOVES music) and she dances. We cheer and she claps. We still aren't going full force with it, but she has done great! Now, the question becomes, how do I teach her to tell me when she has to go? For right now, I'm not concerned. I take her in every hour and she goes without fail. So, I'm hoping in a few weeks she will make the connection. Until then, I'm just glad she is trying! I honestly couldn't be more proud of her for at least giving me that!

Building sticks

So, I got a little too excited and instead of waiting a couple days (I had planned on having her pick an activity on sunday, using it as incentive during the week, and completing the activity on Friday or saturday) I made my husband go out and pick up the items today. It was super simple and she loved them. Plus, she can learn fine motor skills, shapes, counting, colors, and the velcro adds a little sensory play.
Items you will need:
Popsicle sticks- you can color them on your own with 20 drops food coloring and 1 cup hot water. Let them soak for at least an hour. I just bought them already colored because it was thirty cents more.
Velcro rounds

Take the popsicle sticks and place one velcro round on each end. You can put a scratchy one and a soft one, two soft ones, or two scratchy ones. I mixed it up so she can learn how velcro works.

Lastly, I got a pencil pouch. Really, any small container will work for taking them on the go (amazing quiet activity for waiting rooms), but I like the pencil pouch that fits in the binder best. Soon, we will be taking a lot of 2-3 hour car rides to visit family. So, she can pick a few pencil pouches for her travel binder and they will be nice and organized in the car. Simple and amazing.

JUST DO IT

Yesterday was my daughter's first birthday!  As exciting as it seems, I actually hate it, but that's another post entirely. This post is about one of the gifts I made her. I call it her "just do it jar". Basically, it's a jar filled with fun things for her to do. I gathered 52 fun activities, put them in simple categories (takes planning, everyday, nice weather, and costs more than $5), and then printed them on colored paper. All of the activities will actually cost about $3! Not only is it super cheap, but it gives us all a chance to make memories. Every week, she will pick one new activity and we will complete the activity as a family. I put in everything from colored spaghetti for dinner to going to the zoo. She will get her jar refilled every year on her birthday and have a whole new list of activities to do. She made her first pick and the winner is..... making building sticks. Every week, I will be sure to post instructions and lots of pictures!

I've done it....have you?

We all know the story of Job (that's right, I'm going biblical). A wealthy man that had everything stripped from him for what would seemingly be Satan's amusement. And what's worse? God let it happen. Right? Yet, job never cursed him. He never lost faith. He was steadfast and firm. Not me. Within the first chapter, Job was stripped of his animals, servants, and children. Kill my dog? Sure, I'd be sad, but I wouldn't curse god. Take my home? I'd find a place and be okay. Kill my servants? Well, I don't have any. So..... Take my children? Yep. I'm out. I'm done. I lost the battle. In 2008 when I lost my first, I blamed two factors. My body and my god. Why would he do that to me? Why would he take my baby right before my husband goes to war? What did I do? Who did I wrong? Did I deserve this? There are rapists and child molesters that have kids, but I can't? Not just can't. Not "oh, you cant conceive". More like "here is the one thing you want..... haha just kidding".
Okay, stick with me, because this really DOES go somewhere.
Finally, I accepted it. The biggest reason I wanted a baby RIGHT THEN was because I wanted a part of my husband in case he didn't come home. Eventually, I realized maybe it was a sign that I didn't need a part of him because I would have HIM. It may be a wait, but I took it as a sign he would come home. Guess what? He did. We waited a few years and the entire time I wondered if it was really possible. Finally, we tried again. 5 months in, I lost another. I remember crying on the bathroom floor begging for an answer. Why me? What did I do? My husband doesn't deserve this! How could you abandon me? Eventually, I came around and knew god never left me. That same month, I got a surprise. He hadn't abandoned me. He just asked that I wait and have faith. Although I was still a nervous wreck about another loss, there was a calm. When I would stress out the most, it just happened. An eerie calm. Deep down, I knew this one would make it.
People often ask why God let Job go through that. Why did he sit by and watch his pain? Why did he allow, if not encourage, it to happen? I've always wondered this myself. Why? Better yet, why did Job accept it? Tonight, Job was part of my bible study. While I sat there reading, it hit me. God wasn't torturing Job, or me. He doesn't do that. All he asks is that you wait and have a little faith. For me, I wouldn't be able to offer my daughter the life she has and deserves if our first baby was born. I wouldn't have my daughter if our second was born (I would have been pregnant at the time of her conception instead). Do I still miss them? Every day. However, things turned out amazingly well. I don't know what I'd do with anyone that wasn't her. We just had to wait for the perfect moment. The perfect genetic combination. Have I cursed god and left his side? Yes. Have I seen that I'm not always right? Yes. I wouldn't change her for the world. Would I curse him again? If he takes my daughter, most likely, but I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a work in progress.

It DOES get better, baby.

I sit here with my baby asleep watching a show about children with OCD. This brings many many thoughts to mind. First, it reminds me of my past. I was diagnosed when I was 7 years old. I vividly remember fighting with my mom in the laundry room because of my clothes. She asked why I couldn't just wear them and all I could say was "they're wrong". I didn't know why they were wrong. I didn't know if I was wrong. I just knew it didn't work. Something was wrong. I screamed, I cried, I couldn't live with it. Yes, it was just a pair of pants, but for me, it was only the beginning. It wasn't "I don't like that outfit". It wasn't just a tantrum. I could not for some reason comprehend the feeling. It was horrible. All I could focus on was everything bad. It didn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. Even looking back and feeling that feeling, I can't explain it. Honestly, the way I felt at that moment was worse than when I watched my grandmother, my rock, take her last breath. I was diagnosed after I started hoarding change. My parents were at their wits end. They had nowhere to turn and weren't sure what was going on. They didn't know something was wrong. I'm sure they just saw their child being a demon and throwing tantrums to get their way. Finally, they found my doctor. She was great. She listened to me and let me do what I needed to do. She ran some tests, had some observation, and finally came to a diagnosis. My parents were very supportive once they found out. They gave me all of the help I needed and worked with my compulsions. They were pretty easy back then. Still, things got worse. Students made fun of me and picked on me when I would act on my compulsions. As if I thought this was normal. I knew it wasn't. I couldn't stop it. Eventually, my compulsions once again changed. Now, they are easily managed and cause me no harm. I know that even as a child, my OCD wasn't as bad as some other cases. It was a lot better than some cases. However, when dealing with that, your world comes crashing down. I was lucky and had a family that stood behind me and the disease they didn't understand. I had parents that did their best to make sure I was never treated differently. Without the way they treated me, I'm not sure how I would have reacted to my diagnosis. Now, I embrace it. I love it. It isn't who I am, because I control it. However, it is a part of who I am. I have won. Not totally. I still have small battles every day. However, I have learned when and how far I can push myself. I have won.
Second, it makes me think of fish. A lot of scientists say it is genetic. This terrifies me. Will I know it when I see it in her? Will I be able to help? Will hers be worse than mine? Will I push her too far? Will she be able to cope with it? Will she beat it or will it beat her? Will I be the cause for her suffering? I mean, even aside from the condition, I had society to deal with. I could understand it and live with it, but it wasn't as easy for others. And I suffered because of that.
Lastly, I would like to tell my daughter something.
Fish, it does get better. It hurts like hell to battle every single day, but battling leads to conquering. If you do have OCD, I am here for you. No matter what. Not everyone may understand, but I will do my best to make sure that they don't care. I don't care what I have to do. I will do my best to make sure you still have a normal life. I will do my best to make sure that it is as easy as possible for you. I will do anything and everything. Just know that as long as you keep fighting, you CAN win. I still fight it, but it has gotten easier. I promise. One day, you will win. Just fight a little at a time. I will fight with you. Your father has fought alongside me from the time he saw it in action. He always knew it was there, but after my first breakdown, he stuck by me. He will stick by you. He will do anything he can to help you. If its you, a sibling, or someone you meet, remember that they can't control it. Remember that it isn't their fault. Don't hate them or pick on them. Support them. They fight every single day.

Blowing kisses

Today, our little one learned to blow kisses. She kept doing it at random points through the day (like our hour long car ride home). She was so proud that she could do it. She loves blowing kisses. Tonight, I put her in bed, we said our prayers, gave kisses, and I walked to turn the light off. I turned back to sign "I love you" before I flipped the switch and she was laying there quietly. As I signed to her, she reached up and blew me a kiss. I can honestly say that was one of the sweetest moments with her. She is growing quickly and I hate it. I look at her and know that she isn't that tiny baby anymore and won't always want me there. However, moments like that make her growing up all worth it. She may not always like me, but she will always love me. She reminded me of that tonight. She was mad I was laying her down, but she still wanted to show mommy her new trick. She will get mad at me many more time, but no matter how big she gets, I will always be mom.

Her growing mind.

My daughter isn't satisfied seeing things work. She isn't happy accepting that they work. She needs to know how and she will spend as much energy as she can doing so. She doesn't just accept that the world spins. She needs to know why it does. The other day, she was at her sitter playing with the magnets on the fridge. She would take them off of the fridge and stick them to her hand. They would fall to the floor and she would get a little spark in her eyes. She wanted to know why they would stick to one thing and not another. She wasn't happy accepting that they stuck to the fridge. However, the ability of her mind far exceeds the ability of her body. I have searched for play ideas that enhance her thinking while not pushing the limits of her body too far. Recently, we found something that worked. Sensory play. My husband got a promotion and a few nights a week he is out of town. To make the transition easier on her, I plan one new activity for her each week. Last week, we did pudding finger painting. I colored pudding and let her go to town. The painting kept very well. It didn't mold or stink. It was just like normal paints except tolerant for her little mouth. This week, I made moon dough. I started letting her plain with plain potato flakes and she loved scooping them from one side to the other. Slowly, I added colored water and you could see the gears in her head start turning. She quickly learned cause and effect in that situation.  She sprinkled dry flakes in with the wet mass and formed a bigger ball. I let her continue to do so until it was the consistency of moon dough. She then learned that putting it in the scoops would make shapes. She made a little ball. She had a blast. Her body is right where it should be for her age and can accept this type of play. And her mind? It continues to flourish with the play time. The only problem is that she catches on to each new activity so quickly and gets bored. However, I can afford some beans, rice, and food coloring if it means she is finally getting what she needs. She has been very frustrated with her body. It doesn't do what she wants. She wants to run, but her body doesn't listen. She wants to climb, but her body doesn't have the ability to. She wants to understand everything, but her body often hinders that. Finally, we have found a happy medium. Finally, her body and mind get along.....If only for a few hours.

A letter to you.

Baby girl,
You may learn a lot from me and I hope you do. I hope you find your passion and thrive. I hope you live the life you want and don't let others choose your path. Most of all, I hope you find true happiness. Many people think happiness is money or nice things. For me, it is nothing like that. Happiness has always been simple. I am happy when I'm with your father. I am happy with where we live. I am happy when I cook. Mostly, I am happy when I am with you. No matter what is happening, you make my world better. I hope you find happiness like that. A safe place or person that makes all of your troubles melt away.

If you learn nothing else from me, learn these two things. First, there is a song I always sing to you called "don't you worry child". The lyrics say "don't you worry, don't you worry child. See, heaven's got a plan for you." Its true, baby girl. Follow your dreams and work hard. Heaven has a plan and it is your goal to get there. Don't worry about your struggles along the way. Keep working hard and god will get you where you need to be. He will give you the strength and tools you need. Just don't give up on him or your goals.

Second, god always answers prayers. Sometimes, it is yes. Others, it is no. A few times, it is yes, but wait. Wait.... that is something I'm not very good at. When we wanted you, I prayed so hard. It took awhile and I thought god had said no. Turns out, he just wanted us to wait. So, we did (although it wasn't our choice). We waited and got an amazing little runt. If we didn't have to wait, we wouldn't have you. Sure, we would have a baby, but that baby wouldn't be YOU. We had to wait for the perfect combination of genes. So, he hasn't said no. He hadn't left our sides. He just wanted us to wait for you.

Also, I love you more than anything in this entire world. I know sometimes you will question that, but it is true. I would give my life for your happiness. You are meant to be great. Follow your heart. Go after your dreams. You were made to be strong. You accomplished many struggles even before I held you. You beat many odds. You can do it again and again. Just keep fighting.

First ER visit? That was only the beginning...

24 hours ago, I didn't think I'd be here. Sitting in a hospital room with my little chunk not knowing how long we'd be here.... even 5 days ago, I had no clue her little cough would lead to this. She started with a small cough. Nothing big at all. She would start her fake cough and a real one would follow. The next day, it was worse. We assumed it would be another little cold with nothing to worry about. The day after, she was fussy (which has NEVER happened aside from exhaustion) and couldn't sleep. After a quick call to her doctor, we began her neb treatments again. An hour later, she spiked a fever. Shortly after, she was wheezing. She was VERY lethargic. She couldn't focus. She would stare at thin air. She had refused all food (only having a quarter her normal amount) She was definitely not the baby she should be. We rushed to the ER and she was diagnosed with RSV and bronchitis. After we broke the fever, my baby was mostly back. She was playing and smiling. Still unable to breathe, but back.
The next day she made no progress, but didn't get any worse. Today, we woke up and she was fine. A few hours later, her breathing was unstable at best.  As the day progressed, she couldn't catch her breath, couldn't complete usual tasks without gasping for air, was coughing so hard she'd vomit, and was becoming increasingly unaware. We made it to her doctor where he told us she needed to be admitted. I realise it could be much worse. I mean, it isn't cancer. So, I am thankful it isn't too bad. I'm thankful she is where she needs to be. I'm thankful she is in good hands. Still, I want my kid home. I want her healthy. I want my sweet baby back. I want all of these tubes and monitors off of her. I want my chunk at home curled up with me watching mickey. Compared to some, I'm doing pretty good. I had a little moment after we found out the plan, but I've been okay with the situation ever since. I'm okay that she can't come home right now. Like I said, she is where she needs to be.
Chunk? She could care less. She acts tough, like she isn't sick. She acts like nothing is wrong and life should resume its normal course. She isn't fussy. She is tough. Aside from her arm being wrapped for the IV, none of this bothers her. She smiles, high fives, and bounces away like she is healthy. She keeps me strong. If she let on how sick she really is, I'm sure this would be much harder for me. I'm sure I'd be a mess. However, it still doesn't change the fact that my chunk is sick and not where she belongs. I'm not sure how parents of nicu babies or children with cancer cope. Just the thought of anything worse than this makes me cringe. I know she will be okay. So, its easy to deal with this little hiccup. Though, it does make me realise that what I do pales in comparison to those that have children fighting for life. THAT is why I hate being here. Seeing people that will never leave. Their family visits knowing this will be their last place. They know they will never see home again. I HATE seeing that look. I HATE being surrounded by hopelessness and still trying to cling to the silver-lining. I HATE knowing there is nothing I can do for them. I HATE thinking about how that could be us. I HATE the empty looks of sadness. I HATE being here instead of home. At home, there is fun, love, and hope. I try to bring as much of that to my daughter as I can, but walking to her room is like walking through the river Styx..... I pass the souls of once living beings... they need a back entrance....

Preparation for motherhood

Every woman does it. They think they are ready for being a mom and know what to expect. Most women figure out the hard way that they have no clue. They learn as they go. They deal with the teething, colic, and spit up as they go. They don't think about that when things begin. Everyone told me nothing could prepare me. I would just learn as I went along.
Sitting here with my daughter curled up on my lap, I can honestly say motherhood is EXACTLY what I expected. I was 15 and 18 when my sisters were born. I didn't raise them, but I had a front row seat and babysat them (and still do) whenever I could. I learned things classes can't teach you. I learned what a breach birth ACTUALLY looks like (immensely painful). I learned what to expect during labor by seeing it for myself. I watched my mother go through it twice. It didn't prepare me for my c-section, but it did teach me to trust my doctor. I listened to him and that was all that needed to happen. No class could have helped me make that decision. I learned how to deal with screaming. I learned how to feed babies. I learned that you trust your instincts. I learned all of the little tricks that most second time moms know ahead of time (how to soothe the baby, how to interpret cries, etc.). I learned what type of junk a baby doesn't need. I learned what you DO need for baby. I learned what will most likely sit there unused. I learned what a seizure looks like (and that a child having one can actually walk). I learned how to stay calm enough in a life and death situation to at least give 911 your address (which barely happened the first time and kept me super calm the second time). Since the birth of my daughter (besides c-section related questions), my biggest concern was "how do I get rid of cradle cap". I didn't waste time, energy, or money on things baby didn't need, classes that wouldn't prepare me enough, or worrying about labor.
What I'm saying is that I'm thankful for my wild and crazy family. Because of my family, I didn't have to struggle to learn the ropes as a new mom. I have known 90% of what I am doing since before runt was even born. I'm thankful my sister had her little episodes. Does the thought of it happening to my daughter scare the living daylights out of me? Oh god yes. Do I know how to act and react so that if it should happen, I can handle it the best way possible? Yes. For that, I'm thankful. I'm thankful I know what to expect as time goes by. I'm thankful my mom taught me to trust my gut. Sure, I could listen to her doctor, but according to him (we no longer visit him....no worries) I don't care about my daughter or what happens to her. Mostly, I'm thankful I had my sisters to practice on. Because of that, I am the best mother I can be. I'm not stressed out. I don't worry about every little scratch. I'm not overbearing. My daughter gets to be independent (as independent as a six-month-old can be) and I get to take a shower without her screaming to be held. Because I learned so much ahead of time, its smooth sailing and we get to simply enjoy our time together. I don't have to be stressed about the little scratch she got, the way she sleeps, why she won't stop crying, how to calm her, etc. Because I don't stress about any of that, I get to be happy and calm every second we are together. I am thankful my sisters stressed me out enough that none of this bothers me. I'm pretty sure without all of that practice, I would be a hot mess by now. 

Stay at home mom? Try being a working mom!

I'm so sick of everyone saying "being a stay at home mom is so hard. All I do is work". Yea. Yea...we all get it. Staying home being a mom IS a job. I'm not arguing that one bit. However, don't come to a working mom complaining about how much you do. Sure, you cook, take care of the kids, clean, and generally hold the fort down. I'm not saying in any way shape or form that this is bad. Hell, I would kill to be an at home mom and be with my girl ALL day long. However, the truth is that I am not. I am a working mom. Which means I cook, clean, care for my kid, AND hold down a full time job all while managing not to go insane or get fired. You wanna be a stay at home mom? Good for you. Just stop acting like your life is so much harder than that of a working mom. Again, I'm not saying it is bad to be a full time mom. All I am saying is that from what I have seen throughout my life (even before I had a kid of my own) is that working moms have it harder. I don't want to hear about how crazy your day was. Dealing with my kid is NOTHING compared to the 150 person catering I did. When you have a full time job you (usually) have two days off to relax and rest. Those two days are just that for me. Both days, I have my kid. Both days, she is wild, crazy, getting into stuff, yelling at me for turning around for 2.5 seconds, etc. Yet, it IS in fact easier than what I do for 40 hours out of my week. All stay at home moms talk about not getting a break. And I do? I wake up at 4 a.m. to get ready for work. Drop the runt off at the sitter around 5 and then proceed to work 8+ hours running around like a mass murderer is on the loose. Does it end there? Of course not. I come home, put her down for a nap, clean, wake her up, feed her, occupy her fast growing mind, put her to bed, and eat dinner if I'm lucky. So, no. I don't want to hear about how rough it is to just play with kids all day. Because your job is by far not the hardest one in the world. Take my mom for example. She has 5 kids. She works over 40 hours performing disgusting medical acts (I say disgusting because i have heard some stories) on people and then comes home to an unruly bunch of children. She wasn't an at home mom. Yet, she still drove me to every softball practice, ballet practice, checked my homework, got me where I needed to be, threw parties, made it to school functions, AND chaperoned some field trips. Remember, you CHOSE to stay at home. So, please, for the sanity of all working moms, shut up about how rough you have it.

They always told me this would happen....

People always told me "time flies" once you have a kid. I always thought time flew by anyways, but geez.... they weren't kidding! My little runt will be six months old in a few days. SIX MONTHS! It seems like last week! Then again, it seems like a lifetime ago! I look back and it seems my life without her was empty. It wasn't good enough to remember. I DO remember it, but it feels so long ago. It feels like she has always been in my heart. Then again, it feels like yesterday she was the little giant that could barely hold up her big bobblehead. Now that she is here, it all seems like a dream. Its too good to be true. She is too perfect. There is NO way she could be part of me....could she? She looks like me, she acts like me, she has my curiosity, but she is too perfect to be mine. Now, she is the size of the average one year old in my family and smarter than I could have imagined. Crawling, sitting, talking, signing....although, the laugh eludes us. I'm pretty sure she gets that from me, too. She CAN laugh. She HAS laughed. I mean, full on cracking up, but I'm pretty sure that since she knows we want it she refuses it. Just like momma.
Anyways, to the point. As her half-birthday approaches (damn....that makes me sad), I contemplate a lot of things. Not just about her, but myself. Before I found out I was pregnant, my whole life sucked. Really, it was just as amazing, but I couldn't find joy in anything. I hated my job. I wasn't happy with myself. I wasn't happy with my situation. I cried endlessly over my losses. It was just.... miserable. Now? Now I find joy in the dumbest things. She makes me SO happy, that even when I'm not with her I am happy. I love my job again. I love my life again. She has changed my entire world view. Sure, I still get angry or sad. Although, it doesn't last more than three hours and I don't go more than an hour without being genuinely happy.
I also contemplate my body. I gained a few stretch marks and a few pounds (25 to be exact). Six months later (aside from my scar), the only evidence of her that remains are the stretch marks. I'm okay with that. I weigh 8 pounds less than I did before pregnancy and I still look good in my skinny jeans. The stretch marks? I love them. I see myself in the mirror and am reminded that once upon a time, our two hearts were in one body. They were close together and beating for each other. Mine beat for her and hers beat so mine didn't break. They are proof and reminders of what I went through before her and what I went through to earn them. Some may see them as unsightly, but for me? They are trophies I carry with me every single day. She gave me them as proof she is real. I see it on my skin. I see it in the mirror. I know they are there when I'm miles away from her. She is real. And she came from me.
I often consider things I want her to know, things I want to do with her, things I want her to see. So, for her first birthday I'm making a "just do it" jar. Lots of games, activities, recipes, and fun. All in little slips of paper so she can pick one at the beginning of each week. Then, I make the necessary arrangements and we have a "just do it" day. This way, she can learn all of the skills I want her to know that normally get pushed aside. You know... sewing, crochet, drawing, cooking.... all of it. Then, every year I get to refill the jar and we have a whole new list of fun! I want her to have all of the opportunities I had. My parents always taught me new things, took me to cool fascinating new places, and gave me an awesome childhood. In general, sitting around wasn't an option. Sure, it happened, but I don't remember it. I remember getting lost in Chicago. I remember mixing weird concoctions with my cousin. I remember the fun museums. I remember the aquarium field trip. I remember my mom picking me up from daycare for lunch in her work cafeteria. I remember living life. Those are the memories I want for chunk. Those are the things no child forgets. I hate that she is growing so incredibly fast, but knowing so much fun awaits us makes the blow a little softer. And if she keeps my curiosity, I will never have a dull moment either! Between taking apart radios, digging up things in the back yard, getting countless scars from adventures, I'm sure I kept my parents on their toes. However, I learned a lot and had a great childhood. So, I welcome all of the skinned knees and weird collections!