My little champ :)

Today, my runt showed me a few things. We were sitting on the couch and she was standing up talking to me. Suddenly, she released her grip on my hands. She fell to the couch, but instead of crying she was eager to stand back up. I helped her up and she released her grip again. She continuously fell and got back up. Then, she decided to lunge for her bottle. I caught her midair and she laughed about it. I learned a lot from these two seemingly insignificant moments.
First, I'm SO proud of her. No matter how many times she fell, she got back up and tried it again. She is far from being able to stand on her own, but who am I to say she can't try? She already knows that falling isn't failing. It just means you tried, but not hard enough. She kept on going. Kept fighting. She still hasn't accomplished it, but it isn't going to keep her down.
Second, she took a leap of total faith. She didn't know if she would succeed in getting what she wanted. She didn't know she could fall. She didn't care. She knew what she wanted and she was determined to get it. She took a leap of total faith hoping for the best.
I wish I could be more like that. I wish I could just lunge for my dreams and hope for the best. I hope she never loses either quality. A champion never stops trying no matter how often they fall. They keep going and hope for the best. They continue to fight even in the face of great adversity. So, I will let her fall. I will let her leap. I will always be there to catch her midair so she can laugh. I will always be there for my little champ :)

First words already???

A few days ago (4 months and 1 day) runt said what sounded like "mama" numerous times. Since then, we have been trying to get her to do it again, but she won't do anything if she has your attention. Its only when you are distracted that she calls. So, my husband and I sat in front of her on our phones (with the camera on so we could see her without her knowing) and she said it! At least 5 times! My runt not only signed mama first, but spoke it as well! I'm super excited she said mama first, but I'm even more excited that she is so smart.
My only problem? This kid is growing up too fast! She is over the 100th percentile for her height, 97th percentile for her weight, and bigger than any 6 month old I have met! I both love and hate this. I mean, my kid is awesome! However, I missed out on the little baby. She only stayed that way for 2-3 weeks and now she is constantly on the move or talking. I love all of the things she is learning and I love that she is ahead, but part of me wishes she would slow down!!! Its worth it, but geez....

Funny stories

As I have stated before, I want Keeley to be able to look back at all of the funny stories and things she did as a baby. So, here are a few.

One night, I ate a ton of banana chips (they are like crack). I didn't think anything of it. The next morning as I was changing Keeley, I noticed she smelled really sweet. Her skin smelled like syrup and it was so strong it could make you gag. I started freaking out since this can be a symptom of a few very serious diseases. Turns out, if you eat too many banana chips and are nursing, your kid will reek of bananas. Its like baby perfume!

She was always fine laying down. Then, she learned to sit up by herself and wouldn't lay down. Then, she learned to stand and refused to sit. At 13 weeks old she took her first steps (as long as she has a hand to hold) and she refuses to sit still. Her first time, she walked so much that her legs were shaking from exhaustion. I made her sit down and she screamed because she was so mad! I'm terrified this runt is going to be like me and get into EVERYTHING!

Baby girl has learned to give kisses. Not rooting, actual kisses. Usually, she saves them for me, but occasionally gives a few to others. Her version of kisses is opening her mouth and allowing me to kiss her tongue. She doesn't try to suck or look for food, just simply sits there with her tongue out.

Today, I was on the first floor in the bathroom getting ready for work. Baby girl was in the bedroom on the second level. I had the video monitor on and the volume was pretty  high so I could hear her over the TV. She started grunting and then let it rip. She was farting so loud it was actually creating an echo through the monitors! I had to turn it down just so she wouldn't be woken up by the receiver....on the other end of the house!

The runt has been watching us do zurburs (where you lightly hold your lips together and blow air) and she is starting to pick it up. The feeling of the vibration on her lips makes her smile and then she gets mad because she can't make the noise. Once she calms down and makes it again, she won't stop smiling and the process is a major loop.

Usually, when something is really funny, she giggles or squeals. Every so often, she will find something so hysterical that she can't even look any more. She will be smiling and then squeal and bury her face. Its like she just can't handle how funny some things are and it cracks me up.

Hope there are many more stories to come :)

Baby boy!

After years of waiting for a little brother, he is finally here! My mom was induced three weeks early due to complications and he came into the world at 5 pounds 4 ounces and 17 inches long. He was in the NICU for the first 6 days, but was released last week and got to meet his niece! They get along great as long as I'm not holding him! Baby girl looks like a giant compared to him! It is actually pretty funny. She is almost in the 99th percentile for her height and he is not even close! Plus, she is WAY ahead of him in development so she will scream at him expecting a response and get mad when he just sits there.
She is becoming more and more active. Today she started mimicking sounds she hears. She has also learned to scoot when she is on her back and how to sit up without much help (sometimes she will fall forward but otherwise does it all herself). She will walk with assistance and never wants to sit still! I can't wait for her to be ready for museums, but I also want her to be my baby forever :)

Challenges I will gladly face!

When baby girl started rolling, I knew we had a smart one on our hands and I was thrilled! Later on we had an appointment with her doctor (who had already noted this without my knowledge). When we spoke with him he told us that although she cannot be tested at this age, he strongly suspects she is gifted. I have a gifted sister and am as well. So, I know there will be many challenges that lie ahead. From behavioral issues (boredom at school, not enough mental stimulation, etc) to frustration issues (a gifted child's mind often grows faster than their body which makes tasks they KNOW frustrating since their body cannot yet comprehend it). He recommended I do lots of research into the subject (signs she exhibits and how to nurture her mental age while still respecting her physical age) and we will see if she is still showing signs at her next check-up. So, I have spent hours reading about it. She meets or exceeds every single indication of a gifted infant (up to her age and a little beyond)! We play more with her toys, watch documentaries (even though she cannot understand them, they expose her to things outside of her natural surroundings such as elephants and space), read books (children's and research books), take her outside often to explore new sights and textures, and talk to her about absolutely nothing. I know that nurturing her ability will consume the majority of our lives around her (since she doesn't sleep much during the day) and that there are some issues likely to come with her ability. I know I may get frustrated at times and the older she gets, the more nurturing she will need. However, this is one of the challenges of parenthood I will GLADLY face. I will spend every waking hour helping her learn and grow until she takes this on herself. Mostly, I am excited! Being a gifted child, my favorite thing was going to museums. Any museum. The old boring museums? Loved them! To this day, I take every opportunity to explore new places and go on vacations to historical places just so I can visit new museums. The part that excites me so much? She is showing signs of being just as curious. Which means I may have just found a museum buddy I don't have to drag behind me to get there! I can't wait to see if she will be as big of a nerd as her mom! Yes, I'm excited she is smart, but I always figured she would be since her father and I are both above average. Now, I'm just excited to help her grow into her full potential :) I may have to sacrifice everything (including our savings account for a better school if her school is not meeting her needs), but they are sacrifices I am willing to make!

My little brat :)

The other day baby girl kept spitting out her binky and sticking her fingers in her mouth. Since we don't want her doing that I kept telling her no, removing her fingers, and replacing them with her binky. She would look at me, spit out her binky, and stick her fingers in her mouth. Finally, I said "Michelle I am serious! No fingers!".....she looked at me with a HUGE smile, spit out her binky, and stuck her fingers in her mouth. I turned to my husband shocked and asked if he saw it. He replied with "your kid". I turned back to her and she laughed at it! I repeated it....she spit out her binky and laughed again! I guess we have a new game....
I'm gonna call it "my daughter is a brat and she got it from mom".

Tummy time sucks!

Baby girl hates tummy time. Like, with a passion. As soon as she knows it is coming she whimpers. However, hubby read somewhere that they should be rolling over from tummy to back by 8 weeks. So, I broke out the toys and laid her on the blanket. This was only the third time I have made her do tummy time. Within seconds of laying her down she rolled over. She hates tummy time so much she just wanted it done with. She did it three times in a matter of ten minutes and now I can't get her to stop! She scared herself the first time and I thought it was hilarious. She just lay there on her back shocked to see mommy and daddy looking down at her. Once she realised it was okay she kept smiling and kicking. She was talking up a storm and told me all about "milking ducks" (it is a saying my grandma used to use). She would not be quiet! I love it! Anyways, after looking into it, I found that they shouldn't be able to roll over until 12 weeks at the earliest, but more commonly 16 weeks. I know everyone thinks their baby is a genius, but come on. My baby just accomplished a task at half the projected age. I'm a pretty proud momma!

Our song

Today in the car baby girl started to whimper because she didn't feel good. I turned on little child by white lion and she was instantly quiet. I played that song for her while I was pregnant from the first day I knew. Every night I would lay down, put my phone on my belly, and have it on a loop. Now that she is here I play it for her whenever we are riding together, cuddling, or she just needs some noise. It almost always puts her to sleep. Although the lyrics are fitting, this song actually has a meaning for me. 24 years ago when I was in utero my mother would put headphones on her stomach and play the exact same song. I hadn't heard the song in 15 years and I was going through some CDs of top 80s songs and that was one of them. It instantly calmed me. My mom told me the story of my first song. Now, I have given my daughter that same song. We listen to it together and both relax and let our stress melt away. We have our song and no one else can take that. No matter how far we are or what may take me away, she can always listen to it knowing I love her more than anything.

Her first mini vacation

Every year my family has a big reunion in southern Illinois. It is about four hours (with no stops) from our home. I was excited to take baby girl, but dreading the drive. She JUST turned 7 weeks old. We planned on the trip actually taking 6-7 hours. The night before we left baby girl developed a cough. It didn't seem serious so we just went to bed to prepare for our busy day. That night she was up numerous times coughing, she was really congested, and she was choking on what she had coughed up. I don't remember hearing her choke, but I remember jumping out of bed and flying across our room to check on her. She ended up clearing her airway on her own and we fell asleep. The restless night continued....

We eventually got out of bed and decided to finish packing and keep an eye on her. If it got bad we would stay home. She was doing well, so we headed out. We figured with a sick baby the journey would take even longer. I was not looking forward to it.... however, during the entire drive we stopped once. That was only so I could eat. We fed her while we were there and then headed out. The entire ride she didn't cry. I was amazed. That night she discovered the mirror. Daddy held her in front if it and she saw me. She thought it was amazing. Then, she saw daddy and got the most confused look on her face. I couldn't stop laughing. She would look back at my reflection and become confused when I started to talk. She saw the baby and screamed at it. I was almost crying I was laughing so hard.
Later, we were outside hanging out with my sister and baby girl coughed. The problem this time was that she couldn't clear her airway. Her eyes started to roll back and I pictured my sister all over again...

Here is where I should explain that situation. When my sister was about 15 months old we walked into the kitchen to fill her cup. She wanted juice, but I was giving her water. She was holding my hand the entire time. When I handed her the water she inhaled and held it like she was going to throw a fit. I told her I wasn't dealing with it, walked into the living room with her, and she flopped down on the couch. I walked back into the kitchen to grab something when I noticed she still hadn't screamed. I ran to her, knelt down, and rolled her over. She was stiff and her eyes had rolled back. She was beet red. I screamed for my dad and handed her off to him. As I did she went completely limp. She was dead weight. As my mom laid her down to start CPR I called 911. My sister did start  to breathe on her own. The ambulance arrived and took her to the hospital. I drove there with my other two sisters. The entire night all the nurses and doctors told us was that it was my fault and I wasn't watching her. She choked on something and I was to blame. I remained adamant this wasn't possible since she had my hand the entire time. She isn't tall enough to hold my hand and bend over and grab something to choke on. She didn't have anything in her hand to start with. It wasn't possible. All they kept saying was that I should have paid attention. After over two hours of these accusations, they finally ruled that out. They discharged her the next day saying it was simply a stuffy nose.

Anyways, my sister and I relived it in the parking lot of a cheap motel. She finally started getting air and I just sat there saying I couldn't go through that again. She is almost healthy now.

Saturday we drove over an hour to meet with my aunt and uncle from the other side of my family and once again not a peep. That night there was a big storm and she was fascinated by the lightening. She absolutely loved the sights and sounds before the rain came. When the rain did come, it was brutal. I wasn't sure how she would handle it being so loud. I looked down and there she was....out cold. She couldn't keep her eyes open to save her life.

Sunday was the actual reunion and then we headed home. The ride home was as amazing as the ride down. The kid whimpered once. That was it. She was so good it actually worries me that she is just storing evil for later in life.

Through the entire illness, this girl has been a champ. She isn't fussy or whiny because of it. She just coughs and moves on. However, the cough has taught her one thing. When she coughs, she gets attention. Now, if I go too long without talking to her or touching her she fakes it. She is horrible at faking it, but its so cute how could I ignore her??? And as soon as I give her attention the cough magically vanishes. I actually think it is one of the funniest things she does.

Parenting is already hilarious (a few funny stories and things baby does)

The things my daughter does just crack me up. I want to remember them forever and I want her to be able to look back and know all of the little things she loved. So, here are a few.
As I have previously stated, my kid is a rock star at nursing. I, however, always need to be on my game when she latches on. She will eat and eat and usually fall asleep. She still nurses in her sleep so I leave her until she is done. She doesn't just release though. So, I gotta be ready. When she is full, she smiles. Although I LOVE her smiles, I do not like that she does it when her mouth is full. I get milk all over! She then laughs at this and then starts talking to herself. Never once waking up. Even at 3 a.m. sitting in the dark covered in milk, I can't help but laugh.

She loves the song "hush little baby". Its a song that promises rewards for being quiet. I hope she never figures this out....

She loves TV. She has no idea what she is watching, but she will watch it for as long as she can keep her eyes open.

When we unwrap her swaddler the first thing she does is shoot her arms in the air. She will be in a dead sleep, but as soon as those flaps open, the arms are up. Every. Single. Time.

She loves her Nana. Although my mom thinks its because she is awesome, I am positive it is because of my brother. She falls asleep across my mom's chest and as she sleeps, she slowly crawls down to my mom's stomach. She lays there and sleeps while josh (my brother) kicks away in the womb. I'm pretty sure this is her way of pissing him off before he even gets here. 

A few days ago we went out to eat and all of my sisters were there. My sister Sam hadn't seen baby girl since she was born and she came running to the car to greet her. While Sam was getting her out of the car seat, my sister Abbie watched over her shoulder. I look down and there is little Rebekah pushing Sam out of the way. Sam yelled at her to stop. Reba yells "move! I'm an aunt!". I couldn't stop laughing.

Another time, Reba was over at my house and I was changing baby girl's diaper. She always screams when this happens. I just let her scream until we are done and then I console her. Reba came over to the changing table and started rubbing her stomach. I heard her start talking, but it was nearly inaudible. I bent over and Reba (barely able to see over the changing table) was whispering "shhh...its okay. Your aunt is here. Shh...your aunt loves you." She is so sweet to her little niece.

Baby girl is also a little Houdini. We always wrap her tight in a swaddler for bed. Most nights I grab her and she has one hand sticking out of the top. Today, I wrapped her in one and put her down. When she woke up I went to get her and couldn't help but laugh. She pushed both of her arms down so they were under the flaps and was trying to raise them up. This bunched up the flaps around her shoulders. I came up to a screaming baby that was flailing the bottom half of her arms trying to get free. I would probably scream too if I had managed to get myself into that position.

She loves going outside. She could be screaming her head off and as soon as I open the door she is quiet. She just stares at everything and screams at the sky. My grandma (passed away in 2011) used to say babies spoke to angels. Maybe she was right.

Part of me can't wait to watch her grow and enjoy all of these funny moments (one day she can go through and read them), but another part wants her to stay a month old forever. I would be okay if it took her 18 years to turn 5. Since I can't stop time, I will enjoy what I have with her and thank god for every moment of it. I look forward to many more stories about my little runt :)

Everyone is a critic

Everyone keeps asking me questions about what I do with baby and then they criticize my answer or criticize what they see.
Someone (not naming names) was irritated that I let my daughter fall asleep with a pacifier in her mouth. Its so habit forming and blah blah blah....you know what? Pacifiers reduce the risk of SIDS by half. That is why she is ALLOWED one. Also, this kid was made to suck. She came out with a sucking blister. She never needed help latching. Its that or her hand.
Why don't you pump? Who cares if you miss a nursing session. I care. While breast milk is super healthy for baby no matter how they get it, the actual act of nursing reduces the risk of SIDS. It is thought to strengthen muscles in their throat and esophagus which helps them breathe better and combat the risks.
The same person also bashed me for having her sleep in our room in a bassinet (instead of our bed or her own). She sleeps in our room because this is also thought to reduce the risk of SIDS. She does not sleep in my bed because of the blankets, pillows, and soft mattress that are thought to increase the risk. Some believe it is beneficial to be close to the mother, but the known risks are too great for me.
I have also heard people groan about too much "mothering" when I say she will sleep in our room until 4 months old at the very least. Why? It all comes back to SIDS. The risk is greatest between 1 and 6 months while greatly decreasing after 4 months.
My aunt lost her son to SIDS and though I wasn't alive then, I can't imagine what she went through. Not just the loss, but think about it....someone had to find him after he passed. Could I handle finding my daughter that way? Hell no. Is it worth the risk to give in on any of these things? Not to me. Sure, its easier to have her sleep in my bed, but its worth getting up and putting her in the bassinet if it heightens the chances of us both waking up.
You may think differently and that is fine, but there is no need to complain about what I do with my kid. I will do everything in my power to make sure she isn't an entitled brat that walks around half naked. That is more than some people can say. So, unless your kid is perfect, don't complain about what I do with mine. I don't mind advice from family, but I don't need advice from a stranger who has a kid that everyone wants to smack. Thanks anyways.

My little bean pole!

Went to the doc today for baby girl's check up. Holy cow! She is in the 96th percentile for her length (she is really tall) and in the 42nd percentile for her weight (more skinny than average). No wonder we can't find clothes to fit this kid! She is so long she needs to wear 0-3 months and so skinny she needs preemie clothes! I don't know what to do with this girl! She is healthy though, and that is all that matters! We are so happy she is doing well! Love you baby girl!

Pickiest eater alive!!!

So, after a month of nursing like a champ my runt suddenly decided to stop latching, but only in the evening. I figured she was just too hungry to wait for let down so I would give her a bit of bottle and try again. All she would do is larch for a second or two and then scream. When I woke her up to eat, she did so without a problem. At night, no issues. I was at a loss and started to search the wonders of Google. After hours all I had found was stuff talking about a nursing strike (way too young for that) and other moms saying there was no way to fix the problem. I was about to give up when I came across a Yahoo! Answers post. The mom said she switched her body wash and it fixed the problem. My issue? I haven't switched my body wash. I was wracking my brain for what scents have changed. Then it hit me....I asked my husband to grab me some conditioner while he was out and he (being a man) grabbed the cheapest kind. That stuff smells like dial tastes (I had a mouth as a kid). I switched to my previous kind and it was like a total one-eighty. She hasn't had another issue since! The reason it was only in the evening? She is more awake then which means she is more in tune with her senses. She could smell it more at that time and refused to latch! I thought I knew some picky eaters, but this kid takes it to a whole new level!!!

Already????

Baby girl,
How are you four weeks old already? It seems like last week we were walking along the cornfields trying to get you out. Just thinking about how fast this month has gone makes me want to cry. I love you more than words can ever describe and you will always be my little girl. So, hang in there when I cry. Watching you grow is already the hardest yet most amazing thing in the world. No matter how big you get, you will always be that little girl that slept on my chest and laughed at my singing. I will always protect you like a crazy lady. Don't even get me started on your first boyfriend. We are gonna have a big family dinner when he comes to pick you up. Daddy and papa will be cleaning their guns while mommy and Nana dig a hole. He will treat you right, or we will all have a long night ahead of us. I will do my best to make sure no one ever hurts you and if somehow by sheer coincidence someone gets by me, they better hope the cops get them first. Even then, mommy will pay their bail. After all, the cops won't let me near them while they are locked up. Even when you are on your own, you can always come to me. You can always talk to me about anything. I may not like the conversation (sex for example), but I will always listen and be there for you. No matter how much I may hate it, I would rather you come to me than wind up pregnant before you are ready. My parents were the same. As you get older there will be rules you think are just meant to make your life hell, they aren't. They are because I have learned a few things in my life and I don't want you repeating them. I want you to go farther and do better than I ever did or will. I will make you earn things you want and I will be hard on you, but only because I don't want you to settle for anything less than amazing. Follow your dreams baby girl. Daddy and I will be here to help in any way you need. The only thing I want is for you to be happy. I would give my life to make that happen.
I love you more than anything in the world.
love,
Mom

When did couples stop being couples?

Seriously though....what happened to two people enjoying each other for a while before starting a family? It seems like today as soon as people get married they start having kids. What happened to vacations, the honeymoon year, the dating, and the spontaneity that is so much easier without children? Don't get me wrong, I was pregnant on my wedding day. With my husband deploying a month after our wedding I wasn't willing to risk not having the family I always wanted with the man I loved. Even if he died a hero. However, it didn't work that way. So, he came home safely and we took the chance to live a little. I love baby girl to death and would never giver her up, but it was great to have those last minute vacations before we had to buckle down. Now, its 18 years of planning. Although I don't mind, it was nice to have those random experiences with my husband. Now it seems like everyone is celebrating the birth of their child before or on their one year anniversary. After nearly 5 years of marriage I firmly believe marriage changes things and it takes time to adapt to those changes. The first year or two can be especially rocky. Hell, in 5 years I haven't learned everything about my husband. In 5 years we still haven't figured everything out (and never will I'm sure). In 5 years we had a lot of ups and downs that would have been a lot harder with the stress of a child. I'm not bashing anyone by any means....I'm just curious what ever happened to couples being couples....

My little princess and "nipple confusion"

My beautiful princess asleep at the hospital. It seems she does a lot of sleeping. She sleeps through most of the day and night. Even when she is awake, as soon as she sees mommy she is hungry! She thinks that is all I'm good for! Who am I kidding? Even in her sleep as soon as I touch her she is hungry. I hold her on my shoulder and she will slowly move her head to my chest and start sucking my shirt. She knows what she wants, she knows who has it, and she knows where it is. I swear, the kid can smell me as soon as I walk into the room. I don't mind though. It gives me quality time with my princess that I don't get when daddy feeds her. Which brings me to this question....What is the deal with nipple confusion? My mom fed all of her children by nursing AND formula/bottles (I was strictly bottles due to medication). People have given their kids bottles from birth for years. I was all worried about nipple confusion with my daughter, but my body doesn't produce quickly enough to satisfy her. She cluster feeds which leaves me dry at times and full at others. Either way, I have to pump to get my body accustomed to its new job. Pumping means bottles. Often I even have to supplement with formula. Which also means bottles. She won't sleep without something in her mouth, which means a binky. So, how could I avoid nipple confusion? 

Honestly, I have no answer. All I can say is that with a little effort you can make it go away. We had a hiccup on day 3 where it took her longer than normal to latch, but other than that she takes to nursing like a champ. She fights the bottle slightly at first because she would rather have the real thing, but she never denies it completely. I just don't understand why every doctor says to wait. Am I supposed to let her starve until I make more milk? Not gonna happen. She has no problem switching back and forth. Ten years ago before nipple confusion was thought of most babies had no problem. Why did we create it?

Just one of the many things I ponder while sitting at home. 

On another note, I couldn't be happier right now. My husband returns to work tomorrow and although I love having him here, I am excited for some mommy-daughter time. You know, before she grows up and becomes convinced I am out to ruin her life. No matter what baby girl, I am only trying to do what we think is best. It may not always seem that way, but one day you will thank me. One day you will wish you had listened. I know I feel that way about my parents. Just remember, I will always love you and you will always be my princess and my baby girl.....even when you are 50.

The joys of daddy changing diapers!

So far, the little one has been pretty amazing. She wakes up once at night for a feeding and then dozes back off for a few more hours. On average, we are getting about 7 hours of sleep a night! Not only is she great during the day, but she is usually really easy to care for during the day. I mean, she eats, falls asleep, and wakes up sucking when its time to eat again. Rarely does she cry and I love it! My favorite thing is how much she smiles in her sleep. This girl is just all-around perfect!

However, today we had a "newborn moment". She woke up and ate, but couldn't go back to sleep. No matter what I did she was either screaming or trying to sleep and couldn't. She wouldn't eat, a car ride did nothing, and even daddy couldn't calm her down. We had no idea what was wrong and then it dawned on us....she hadn't pooped in a while. Not days, but about 15 hours. So, I made an appointment with her doctor (it was a huge concern since she wasn't eating for quite some time). Shortly after, she pooped. Then, she ate like crazy and fell asleep. We cancelled her appointment and asked if there was anything we could do if this happened again. His response? Feed her more. DUH! The entire reason I called was because she wasn't eating!

Anyways, later on she had a REALLY wet diaper and my husband volunteered to change her. He took her diaper off and as soon as he did, she started pooping. I couldn't stop laughing at him! He put a wipe under her butt and decided to wait a second before putting on a clean diaper. Its a good thing he did! She let it all out! He was freaking out about how it was getting everywhere and there was so much. He kept saying it was gonna get all over him. It didn't....at first. She was "done" and he lifted her butt to clean her and SHE SHOT POOP AT HIM! I was laughing so hard by this time I was crying and couldn't see so that I could walk out of the room. Eventually, I had to leave because laughing so hard was causing my incision area to throb. From the other room all I hear is "OH MY GOD!!! ITS ON MY FINGER!!" When I finally venture back into the room, he pointed out  the wet spot on the couch (from him cleaning it) "LOOK AT THAT! SHE SHOT POOP HALF A CUSHION LENGTH!" I thought it was so funny I called her Nana and Papa to tell them (I knew my parents would find this hilarious). My mom was laughing and then scolded me for leaving the room....and not taking a video!
It may have been a rough start to the day, but she sure made it worth it!

THE QUEEN HAS ARRIVED!!!

A few days ago I hit my 40 week mark, but was showing no signs of labor so we decided to wait on induction. The next day I went in for a non-stress test to make sure that the baby was moving enough and her heart was reacting correctly. Instead, we found out I was having contractions every 6 minutes. Because of the contractions the doctor decided to check me. I was dilated and ready for labor. Since we live an hour from the hospital I was delivering at the doctor sent me in for induction. At about 7 they gave me a medicine that is used to soften the cervix. By midnight, I was having contractions that were less than 2 minutes apart, but only lasting 30 seconds. Every time I had one of these minor contractions, her heart rate dropped. They did what they could to even it out, but by 7 a.m. they had not been able to even out her heart rate enough. They knew that no matter what they did, she would not handle real labor and I would end up having a c-section anyways. So, instead of waiting for the inevitable, they got me ready for surgery. I don't remember much besides crying because I was upset by this. However, now that it is over, my only regret is the drugs. I don't remember much of her delivery and I don't like that. At some point, they brought her to me and I kissed her cheeks and forehead, but I don't remember any of that. I remember her first cry and I remember her being held over the curtain. So, at least I remember the important stuff I guess. Anyways, at 7:23 a.m. we welcomed a 7 pound 11 ounce, 20 inch long little girl. After delivery, I was told there was no way I could have delivered her naturally because of how wide her head was. So, it was best to have the c-section when I did rather than waiting until it was time to push and finding out I needed one anyways.

She is an amazing baby. She sleeps most of the night, usually waking once for a feeding and then going back to sleep. She isn't fussy (yet) and she is very active when she can be. She loves to hold her head up and scratch it on daddy's chin. She loves me for food. I swear, that kid does nothing but eat. She has done really well with breastfeeding. She latched on from the moment they gave her to me. The nurse didn't even have a chance to help! The only frustration I have faced with it is that she wants more than I have. I can't give her enough! I know it isn't a big deal, but the past few days everything makes me cry. Hell, I am crying right now.

Mostly, I just get really sad that she will grow up. I know that it happens and it is a fact of life, but when I think about her not being my little girl anymore it absolutely devastates me. Just thinking of her growing up, not being able to sleep on my chest, not needing me anymore.....I just can't handle it. I really can't stand the thought of her being anything but this little baby that needs me for everything. This little girl that curls up on daddy's chest and scratches her head on his beard will one day be graduating high school. I don't know how parents do it. I just can't imagine it. I know she has to grow up, but that doesn't mean I have to face it just yet. After all, she isn't even a week old.

Insecurity all around!

Well, I am now 38 weeks and trying everything I can to get this little runt out! She is measuring larger than I had hoped which is pretty upsetting for me (we will chalk that one up to hormones). She is already almost 8 pounds and I REALLY don't want a c-section (I am really small so doc doesn't think I will be able to deliver much larger than that). I will fight my doctor to the very end (unless it is for her safety of course) to avoid having one. On the plus side, she is head down so that is one less reason I would need to have one. I know my husband is REALLY trying to be supportive, but saying things like "I understand" or "You aren't fat you're pregnant" kind of make me want to hit him. Sorry, he doesn't understand. He doesn't know what it feels like to know MY body will never be the same. He doesn't understand that after years of being big, I was finally skinny, and now I may never have that body back. He has always been rail thin and doesn't know what it feels like to go to the store and find out you need to go UP a size. He doesn't know what it feels like to FINALLY look good in a bikini and now have my body covered in *awesome* purple tiger stripes. Don't get me wrong, I knew all of this was a possibility and I accept it because I know she is worth it, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I WANT MY BODY BACK! I'm not complaining about my husband trying to support me, even if he doesn't understand. I just wish he could know how I feel. Just for a day. However, he is amazing at being a man going through my pregnancy. He does everything I ask, rubs my back whenever I have the slightest ache, lifts anything I ask, helps around the house, cooks dinner 85% of the time, lets me cry when I need to, puts up with my mood swings very well, goes on walks with me every night to get this runt out, and drives me wherever I need to go (my belly gets in the way of the steering wheel so it is difficult). I wouldn't want to go through this with anyone else.

At her last ultrasound, we saw her little feet and everyone said how cute they were. All I could focus on was that it looked like there were 6 toes. I'm hoping it was just because she was moving around and it was a blurred image, but what if it wasn't? I'm not going to love her any less, but I don't want her to feel insecure about anything in her life. I know once she gets older she will no matter what I do, but I don't want her to feel it earlier than she should. My sister had to deal with alopecia as a small child and I know it was really hard for her. They even made a special exception at school so she could wear hats. Even as a 5 year old kids would pick on her. I don't want that for my daughter.

On a good note, my sun allergy seems to have disappeared....for now. Doctors are in debate whether or not it will return, but all we can really do is wait and see. It could return next spring, or it could have been a weird pregnancy thing. Either way, no point in worrying about it now.

Also, I'M HAVING A BABY BROTHER! The first boy in our family is finally on his way!

Sun....you horrible beast

Well, my GD test came back with surprising results. I'm not diabetic. I'm actually hypoglycemic. I had always had a suspicion that I was, but never worried about getting tested because I had it easily under control. So, everything is fine and I still get all of the sweet tea I want :) Life has been pretty good for me and the little runt so far.

Then, during the beginning of last week I formed a small rash on my hand that would come and go. It began to get worse at random times during the day so I watched carefully to see what I was doing in the hours and minutes before it would appear. It often goes away, but every time it returns it is worse than the last time....I do not enjoy it. I have actually found the root cause of the rash....the sun. I could be in the sun for as little as 15 minutes and the rash worsens and spreads across my arm and chest. After some research done by my caring husband and speaking with my doctor, we now have a name. Polymorphic Light Eruption Disorder (PMLE) is an allergy to the sun that most commonly develops in women in their early 20's. It usually affects women who easily burn when exposed to the sun, so it shocked me when I found out that is what I have. I don't burn.....ever. I have had two sunburns that I know of in my life and now I can't even go outside long enough to get a tan line! Although I would love to think that it will go away after the baby is born, I have found no information to support this. There is no cure and it will most likely reappear every year until it randomly decides to stop. I am pretty happy that it doesn't hurt the baby, but pretty upset that it may come back every year. If I stay out of the sun, it stays away. The problem with that is that the baby will grow into a little toddler. The toddler into a child. The child will most likely have softball, soccer, swimming and many other outdoor activities on her mind. I want her to be very active, but I am very upset there is a possibility I won't be around to see it. Instead, I will be sitting at home. That is not okay with me. So, the question is: Is the pain and itching worth being there for my little girl? Ummm....YES!

In other news, we find out in 2 days what my mother is having! I am so excited to find out if Keeley will have another aunt or a new uncle! On the plus side, if she has an uncle, we get all of the cute clothes that her Aunt Rebekah wore! That kid always had the cutest outfits so fingers crossed its a boy! Then again, the odds of that are pretty slim! My parents already have four girls and sperm dies sooner as the male grows older. Since male sperm already dies before female sperm, the odds of a female reaching the egg first become greater. So, I'm thinking I will have yet another baby sister :)

Stress must mean good parenting....

The baby shower for Keeley was an amazing success! It got rid of all of my stress about making sure she has everything. She has everything she needs and now we have moved on to setting up her nursery. For the last week, all her room has been filled with piles and piles of stuff that has yet to be put away. After the baby shower, my husband and I spent some time shopping around on Amazon looking for a few of the bigger items that we REALLY wanted. Yes, I know I don't NEED a glider and ottoman, but it is one thing I have been adamant about having since I was 15. On amazon, we purchased $650 worth of stuff from the registry for less than the cost of the glider and ottoman I had originally registered for. Ummm....yes please! Then, we spent the entire day after shopping and enjoying ourselves. We went out and bought most of the remaining things for her. There are still some small things to pick up, but for the most part we have everything we need in case she decides to show up a little early. I really hope she doesn't, but both sides of our family have a history of premature birth. So, just in case, I am going to make sure her room is ready as soon as possible.

Anyways, with the stress of that over with, it would be wrong of the universe not to drop something else, right? Then again, I guess stressing about her is just part of being a good parent. If I didn't worry about her health, safety, and wants, I wouldn't be ready for her. I guess it just means I am becoming her mother.

However, I did get some not-so-great news. I failed my one-hour glucose test. This was another test I had heard many many horror stories about. How horrible the orange stuff tastes, how boring it is, etc. So, I decided I wasn't going to taste it. Just get it down as fast as possible and don't think about anything else. 45 seconds later, I just had to sit there. I took my phone with and played a game for an hour. Simple. The three hour test on the other hand.....ugh...

You have to fast for 12 hours, which seems fine for most people. I have never been able to go that long without eating. Once I get hungry I need food or I will start to vomit. It gets even worse when I am pregnant. With my first pregnancy, I always had some sort of food with me. Hell, on my wedding day I made my maid of honor walk down the aisle with her little bag stuffed with saltines.

So, you fast, hopefully make it to the lab, and then they stick you. While you are sitting there super hungry, you have to try to once again chug the nasty orange stuff. Some advice, it may taste horrible, but do it SLOWLY if you are already feeling hungry, weak, nauseous, or even just a little "off". I started chugging just like the first time, and I nearly threw up as soon as it hit my stomach. After not eating, the sugar can be a HUGE shock to your body and you will try to reject it. If you throw up, you get sent home and cannot complete the test.

As I sit here and wait for the results, it makes me realize how much this could change my pregnancy. Obviously, I need to follow a specific diet to make sure that Keeley is healthy. There is also all of the AMAZING food I will have to give up. It could also create difficulties with my job. Of course, I know that they will have to make certain exceptions, but it will still be a pain. Not to mention, my husband just doesn't get it. I love that man to death, but he doesn't seem to realize how much this could change everything as far as how I take care of myself. I know it could be worse and I know I can do it, but it doesn't make me worry about it any less. I mean, I have enough to worry about! Why does anyone need to worry about their blood sugar on top of everything else?!

There is nothing I can do to change it, and I will accept the results no matter how they come. I will do whatever it takes to make sure this little girl gets here and is as healthy as I can possibly make her. However, I can't help but wonder....why does everyone else that I know (I know about 9 others that are pregnant) seem to have no problems at all? I have to take more medicine now that I am pregnant, I have heartburn all the time despite my prescription pills, I am RH negative, AND I may have GD. I know my pregnancy could be A LOT worse, but the little green monster in me knows it could also be A LOT easier. As long as Keeley is okay, I will suffer.

The guessing begins!

I have been extremely stressed about the baby shower lately. I'm not really sure why, but I want everything to be perfect. I'm not even planning it! I have been watching my registry like a hawk and have a list of everything we would need to buy if not given to us. The total comes to a little over $1800, which my husband and I have in savings waiting specifically for our little girl. So, why am I stressed? Who knows...Nothing was really taken off of my registry and the shower is in 4 days! I have been freaking out about it! I know the stress doesn't make sense, but I just want everything to be perfect and amazing for this little runt. I KNOW there will be plenty of people that will be at the shower to support us. I KNOW everything will be fine even if we have to go buy everything ourselves. However, I can't seem to calm down.

Anyways, I checked my registry before I went into work at about 1:30, and nothing had changed. I called my husband during lunch and he told me how many things had suddenly been purchased. He got home from work at about 4:30 and waiting for him were a few shopping bags. Well, more than a few. There was over $300 in items purchased and left at our door. I asked who all of it was from and he said he hadn't opened the card! I told him to open it so I could call and thank the person, but when he opened the card all it said was "We hope you and Keeley enjoy these things". That's it. No name. No hints. No anything. We have absolutely no idea who gave us such an amazing gift. I mean, this brought so much relief because I now know that it will be okay, but I have no way to thank who did it! The handwriting looks familiar, but I honestly can't place it! I know whoever did this has remained anonymous for a reason, but I REALLY REALLY just want to thank them!

Honestly, I have a sneaking suspicion that my grandpa sent one of my aunts to the store with some money and had them do it on his behalf (my grandpa does not drive, never shops, and definitely does not do baby stuff). My family has done things like this many many times for one another or for others so I'm pretty sure it was someone in my family. Plus, my grandpa has always spoiled me. I mean, ALWAYS. I have never not gotten my way when it comes to him. He is very old school. My father is his first son. I am the first born of that son. Therefore, I have a special birthright. Also, when growing up I spent EVERYDAY at his house. No joke. Every single day we went for at least an hour. He believes that because I am so close to him (he is the one man I would turn to no matter what-like when my car got towed and I needed money to get it out until payday, but couldn't ask my father because I wasn't supposed to be where I was) he will give me everything he can because I have earned it by being there for him. I understand this. I mean, I already want to give Keeley everything! Sometimes, he frustrates me with how much he gives! After we got our new car my husband decided that since it could haul a boat, we needed a boat. I thought we should hold off, but would consider it if we found a good deal. I now have a boat sitting in my driveway because my grandpa GAVE it to us! A BOAT!

Anyways, back to the point....

Whoever did it, than you. It means so much that you are willing to surprise Keeley before she is even here! I will be sure to tell her about it numerous times so that she knows that the world is generous and that she must also be generous. She will also be part of when we give to others. I have done this before (I actually snuck into the house and dropped the gifts by the tree), and the next time we do it she will surely be involved. She will get to experience the adrenaline of not getting caught, and knowing that she did something great for someone without needing to be thanked. She will know what it feels like to watch their pure joy while they wonder what they ever did to deserve such a thing. And that is the amazing thing about giving gifts anonymously, they didn't have to do anything to deserve it. It is pure love. And that pure love is what makes all of my stress melt away. Somewhere out there, someone loves this little girl enough to do something for her that she can never repay. Something that my husband and I can never repay. Something that simply says we are loved.

My pregnancy rant....

Lately, the hormones must be going crazy because I feel like I am going crazy! There is a ton on my mind (I do have a child to plan for after all) and every little thing seems to be stressing me out. Some things more than others, and some things that make me just want to scream at people.

I am 23 and pregnant. I am NOT some girl that doesn't know the father, had an accident, or was just stupid. I'm not saying these children are loved any less, don't get me wrong. I am, however, saying that I am not like everyone else so people need to stop looking at me like I'm some knocked up teenage girl that should have used protection. My husband and I had specific goals set in place before we even decided trying. We never had the "if it happens it happens" attitude because we wanted to make sure we had completed these goals. I have been married for 4 years and I believe we know each other very well for that amount of time. We are passed the honeymoon phase and we had plenty of time to just be US. We have done our work to get to where we are. We got married, we got the house, we got the cars we wanted, we learned more and more about each other and how to handle certain situations, we learned (somewhat) how to handle our finances and we met our savings goal. All before we started trying for a child. I am not one of those that had an accident and has to suffer the rest of my life because I have to sacrifice nights out. I sacrificed those a LONG time ago. They never really appealed to me and I feel my time can be better used at home. I'm not saying I never go out, but I'm not giving anything up either. People keep looking at me with pity in their eyes as though my life is over. It is just beginning! I have wanted this for years, and I have worked my butt off to make sure we brought this child into the best situation we could. I just can't stand how people look at me when they find out I am pregnant. The "I'm so sorry your life will never be the same" look. I know my life will never be the same. That was the plan all along.

ITS THINGS LIKE THIS THAT INFLUENCE THOSE 'PITY LOOKS'

Again, I'm not saying my child is loved any more than others or that I am a better person than others because I was careful. I am simply saying people need to wipe that stupid look off their faces and understand that not every young mother is a statistic. Some young mothers out there actually wanted to be young mothers. You have no idea what their life plan is, so stop assuming you do. Don't assume that just because she is young, pregnant, and married, that she got married simply because of the pregnancy. Don't assume that she doesn't want this child. Don't assume she doesn't know the father. Don't assume it was some drunken night out. Don't sit there and look at any young mother like you are better than her. Sure, her pregnancy may have been an accident, but as long as she is a good mother, why does it concern you how young she is?
People need to stop judging young mothers like they are all some sad story. Yes, Teen Mom does a fantastic job of showing all of the drama that COULD come along with being young and pregnant, but there is a reason they only choose 4 girls to be on each series.....those are the 4 with the highest public ratings. Those, however, are not the 4 that accurately represent the entire population of young moms.

Holy Hormonal....

So, I have made it this far in my pregnancy (23.5 weeks) pretty much unscathed. I had some MAJOR issues with heartburn, which led to throwing up stomach acid, which led to an upper respiratory infection. Other than that, I have had no issues. I have no food turn offs, minor cravings, and very little aches. I also had not experienced the mood swings everyone talks about....until last night.

Last night at around midnight, my husband and I were about to head to bed when I decided I NEEDED a brownie. I didn't just want this brownie, I NEEDED it. I asked him to make me some, but he said no. He explained that it was WAY too late to be making brownies and he needed to get to bed. This was very logical....to him. I had just gotten off of work and was tired, but he said I could feel free to make them. I told him I just got off work and I didn't want to. Why should I when he had been sitting around for hours? He explained he had worked earlier, so my job wasn't an excuse. I told him he was right, but he didn't have to carry this child around while working all day. I did and therefore, he should make me brownies. Crazy right? Oh...it only gets better.

While in this lighthearted back and forth with my dear husband, I suddenly became very upset that he didn't understand what I was going through and how badly I needed this brownie. I began crying because he just didn't get it and it seemed like he never would. As I sat there and cried about this brownie that would never be mine, I couldn't stop laughing as well. Why? Logically, I knew how stupid it was to cry over a brownie. I knew I was acting like a child and I knew that I should stop. Emotionally, I felt like my world was going to end because my brownie would never be mine. I knew I needed to stop acting so foolish, but I could not stop it!

So, I sat there on the couch crying because I was sad, and laughing at the exact same time because of how I looked. MY POOR POOR HUSBAND! He even offered to run to the gas station to get me a brownie! I cried even more because I didn't want a brownie with frosting!

Oh, the joys of being pregnant! Even now, 24 hours later and clear minded, I have no idea why I was crying. I laugh about it, but geeze....what was going on with me?

After I thought it was all over with and I was back to "normal", I was playing with my dog and started crying.  I love this dog more than any dog I have ever owned, and he is one of the most gentle giants I have ever been around. He is and always will be my baby. He was my first "kid". He is part black lab and part great dane. Which, in case you didn't know, means he is HUGE.

Atreyu loves to listen to the baby and always lays with his ear on my stomach :)

Anyways, as I played with my darling puppy, I started crying. All I could think was that one day my dog would no longer be around. I couldn't stop crying because one day (probably a while from now) my 2 year old dog would die. I AM GOING CRAZY!!!! Now, I feel like I am losing my mind! I see the smallest thing and I cry for no reason! I saw the end of one of those "save the abused animals" commercials, and it made me cry! Not only, did I cry, but I tried to convince my coworkers that we needed to adopt 5 kittens/dogs each.

I have no idea how to explain these feelings, all I know is that I have NEVER been so confused in my life! I have never sat there and laughed WHILE I cried because I was sad. This defies all science. Men will never understand it. You ARE in fact going crazy, but it isn't your fault. Unless, you aren't pregnant. In that case, see your doctor.

Registering for the little one

Everyone says registering for the baby is supposed to be this awesome fun time that every parent loves. Who decided that? Not only did I just want it over with, but it stressed me out beyond belief. Just thinking about the registry drove me absolutely crazy and would keep me up at night. I was so stressed that when I would go online to look at what all we needed, I would start crying. I'm still not sure why this happened. My husband and I are by no means rich, but we have been saving for quite some time and we can afford the necessities for our little girl. I wasn't worried about registering for every single little thing because I could always send someone to pick up the item or go grab it myself. So, why the stress? I think a lot of it was being overwhelmed by so many options. What type of crib do you need? What kind of play pen? What kind of bottles? What kind of clothes? Keep in mind, this is my first child and I will surely learn some lessons the hard way, but I have been there when my mother raised my last two siblings and she made sure I learned A TON.

First things first, pick what you like. For the bigger items do some research and register what you feel comfortable with. Target and Babies 'R' Us both offer reviews of the products they offer online along with little facts that are not mentioned in store. How much weight can your play pen hold? What makes this bottle different from that bottle? How easy is this stroller to fold?

Second, I recommend registering in store. A lot of people are going to get last minute gifts, not want to pay S&H, or not even know how to shop on the store website (shocking...I know). Plus, in store you get a better idea of what the product is really like. In Babies 'R' Us, you are encouraged to take the car seats off of the shelf and play with them, fold up the strollers, see what is easiest for you, and they will make sure you are entirely comfortable with the way it works. This was SUPER helpful since I went in with two travel systems in mind. My top pick was actually really difficult to fold up and unlatch the car seat from the base. The second one? AMAZING. It wasn't too heavy, it folded with the pull of one handle, and was really easy to unlatch from the base. I am so happy I messed around with them! I would have been struggling and fighting with a car seat and stroller for months just because it was cute.

Third, register for what you WANT not just what you NEED. Sure, its helpful when people get you what you need, but people are going to buy all of the cutesy stuff too. If you don't register for any, they will pick what they want and you may not like what you get.

Picking some things makes other things easier as well. Breastfeeding? Find a pump you like and most of the time the manufacturer also makes bottles and milk storage that fit best with that pump. Bam. Two birds, one stone.

I'm not going to give you a huge list of what you should register for. Simply walking through the store will take care of that. I did tons and tons of research on what to register for, but found that as soon as I walked into the store it was all right there. It was organized and right in front of me. I just had to walk down the aisle and by the time I walked out (without looking at my huge checklist) I had everything I needed, plus things my research hadn't shown me. These are just a few items I found at the store that I overlooked in all of the research.

• Orajel
• Grooming Kit
• Baby Wash
• Baby Lotion
• Towels
• Wash cloths
• Burp rags
• Receiving blankets
• Hats
• Bibs
• Diaper Genie (if someone else is buying it, why not?)
• Diaper bag
• DIAPERS a few newborn and a lot of size 1
• Wipes
• Breast pump
• Bottles
• Milk storage
• Supplies to make baby food (baby bullet, steamer, etc. Again, if someone else is buying it, having a baby bullet couldn't hurt)
• Nursing cover
• Lansinoh Soothies gel pads
• Bottle Nipples (one or two packs of different kinds and sizes...you don't know what your little one will like)
• Pacifiers
• Waterproof crib mattress covers

Honestly, I didn't register for many clothes. The biggest reason being I know people will buy tons of these anyways. Another reason is that my grandma works at a children's clothing store and has a discount. Which, she uses frequently for her great-grandchildren. Yet another, once my husband found out he was having a little "daddy's girl" I have had a very difficult time keeping him away from the clothes. 

Our crazy family AND baby #5!

My mother had me when she was very young. Despite the odds against her, she went on to college and got an amazing job. Shortly after I was born, her and my father got married. They didn't have much. Well, they didn't have anything really, but they gave up everything they wanted to get me what I needed. A little over a year after they got married, we brought my new little sister home. Our childhoods were great. We had devoted parents that sacrificed so much to give us everything. We were raised with morals and values, but still spoiled like crazy. Neither of us were planned, but my parents didn't care. They did what was needed to be sure we were okay. When I was 15, they sat my sister and I down and said they needed to speak with us. I jokingly thought they would tell us she was pregnant.

LITTLE SISTER #2!

In August we welcomed little Abbie into our home and I spoiled her like crazy!

In 2008, before I met my husband, my mom sent my friend and I 20 minutes away to pick up McDonald's at midnight. I joked that she was pregnant again....two days later she found out.

LITTLE SISTER #3!

September of 2008, Rebekah was born. She was actually too young to be a part of my wedding! She was not even 3 months old when I got married to the man of my dreams. 

My mom has been my rock with Keeley. Every time the smallest issue happened, I would call her right away and ask what I should do. So, I naturally told her about my appointments as well. I got done with one appointment and dropped Rebekah off at home. We were visiting for a while when Rebekah said "mommy took a test today!"

BABY #5!

My daughter is due July 10. My new younger sibling is due October 6! I don't think our family dynamic could become any stranger. My daughter will have an aunt/uncle that is actually 3 months younger and a school grade below her. I will have a sibling that is 24 years younger. My husband will have a new in-law at almost 30! I thought Rebekah was strange enough!

My parents are 41, I am 23, Sam is 19, Abbie is 8, Rebekah is 4 and a new one on the way!

Introducing our little girl

My pregnancy story doesn't start at conception, but much much sooner than that. 

In 2008, I met the man that would be my husband. Later that year, we were married and found out we were expecting our first bundle of joy. He was due to deploy January 16, 2009 and I really wanted a child of his just in case he didn't make it home to me. Sadly, December 20, 2008, we lost this child for unknown reasons. It was devastating. Not only did I lose my child, but four weeks later my husband left as well. Looking back, it was for the best. I had a difficult time taking care of myself and hardly had any motivation to even get off of the couch. The child would not have gotten everything they deserve because I was unable to deliver at that time. I was young and stupidly thought it would have been easy. No matter how many days go by, I still grieve for this child. My husband and I quickly decided that we needed to wait for the next child. We set numerous goals for ourselves (having a HOUSE, being financially stable, giving up things that wouldn't fit into parenthood, getting to know each other, and of course, LIVING our lives). One by one, we accomplished our goals.

Four years later, with our house and finances in order, we decided it was time. I figured it wouldn't happen within the first month, but I didn't expect it to take as long as it did. In May 2012, I lost another child. This one was easier to cope with, but still a devastating blow. I didn't know if I could carry a child at all. Although it had only been a couple of months, my husband and I started talking about alternatives. Adoption was our first choice. We didn't make any moves yet, but it was a serious consideration. Month after month went by and each one was harder than the last. I had a difficult time even considering a child anymore. We continued to try, and then it happened...

In late October I was out with my best friend and told her I was late, but didn't want to take a pregnancy test. Why would I? It had felt like an eternity of trying (which 10 months really isn't). How could I be pregnant? However, the longer I went without knowing, the more and more I hoped it was true. No matter how many times I told myself it wasn't the case, my mind refused to work with me. My friend told me to just suck it up and take a test. Sure, it might come up negative, but it was better to know now and stop torturing myself, right? I was gonna find out eventually, so why delay the inevitable? That day, I took a test and there it was....

NOT PREGNANT

It was what I expected. I handled it rather well and just decided to move on. I mean, it was better to know and stop hoping. A week later (3 weeks total), I was still late. I had decided to take another test before calling my doctor. If it came up negative, it was an issue that needed to be addressed. So, I peed on the stupid little stick and played a game on my phone while waiting. I glanced at the stick when the time came and there it was again....

NOT PREGNANT

Okay. Fine. I once again expected that. I went back to my game and brushed it off. No big, right? Wait....that can't be right. There are two lines there. No....really? YEP! I was so ready for another negative that I didn't see the line. 

PREGNANT!!!

Holy cow! It happened! Wait....don't get excited. I was so worried about another miscarriage that I did my best not to get excited. I tried to keep myself at a distance from it all. My husband did the same. We just weren't willing to put ourselves into a position where it would surprise us if it happened again. Yes, it would still be a difficult pill to swallow, but it would be easier if I didn't care, right? We ended up in the ER on two occasions, and both times they told us everything was fine and we could go. Turns out, sometimes sex with your partner can cause bleeding. Wish I would have known that because it would have saved me a TON of grief. 

My doctor told me the chances of another loss were high, but it didn't mean anything for sure. He kept a close eye on me. Week by week, it became more difficult not to have hope that this one would make it. On December 31, 2012, I went in for another check-up and got some news. My doctor told me that where I was now in the pregnancy was a huge turning point. From this point on, we had the same odds as any normal pregnancy. BEST NEWS EVER! 

Now, we know its a little girl. Keeley (beautiful) Michelle (gift from god) is expected in June. Just one problem. We waited so long to do anything 'baby' that now it feels like nothing is done! Her room was once my art studio. Although most of it is cleaned out, there is so much to get ready before she shows up. Thankfully, I have an amazing support system with a husband that would do ANYTHING for his baby girl and I. Literally. ANYTHING. He drove to the store he runs at midnight because I NEEDED biscuits and gravy....and chocolate milk.